Thursday, December 29, 2011

Animal Oddity!


Animals. Animals are pretty cool. It's rare you find someone who just doesn't like them. I mean, yeah, sure, some folks don't like cats or dogs or fish or whatever, but they probably like zebras or lions or pygmy marmosets. But maybe you do know someone who thinks animals are pretty boring or stupid or smell like poo. Well, maybe they just don't think animals are snazzy enough on their own. Maybe they think animals just need a little bit more pizazz, and we all know nothing adds pizazz like a really colorful, stripy sweater... or you know,  maybe an extra head and startling lack of a butt. Now THAT'S a lot of pizazz!

OK, I'll say it. I'm a fan. That's a pretty fancy deer head, and I'm not ashamed to admit that I wouldn't mind owning one. I've got a little wood burning stove that just screams "place whimsical taxidermy beside me!" But, I think I'd like it in a nice white, Irish cable knit. 

Yes! Just like this... but with antlers!

 I think one thing that would really make animals more spectacular would be if we combined them to make "more different animals." I'm rather fond of this creature... what I've decided to call: "Sniraffe." Maybe you see something different, but I'm pretty certain this little brainchild of Dr. Moreau is what happens when a snake and giraffe fall in love.

 
Annette Messager, who I assume is somehow the love child between Tim Burton and the Janitor from Scrubs has created this lovely tableau of Vlad The Impaler meets The Walking Dead meets Bambi. I don't think I've ever seen anything quite as adorably creepy as that zombiesque squirrel with the knitted bunny head. (By adorable, I mean highly disturbing, sure to give the childrens terrible, terrible nightmares...just like a Tim Burton movie... most of which I adore. Noodle that one.)

flickriver
And finally, a mouse in the sweater. What's not to like about that?

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

A Warm Fuzzy Feeling...

I don't know a single woman that hasn't at some point said "Cookie Monster has such gorgeous fur...if only there was a way I could have some tight fitting footsie trousers that could make me feel like a fluffy blue Muppet."
"And heaven forbid I'm not able to find a matching top!" Thankfully, both are available, and your desire to look like the much beloved, sweets binging monster can be fulfilled. Because there's nothing more awesome than an outfit that adds 20lbs to your calves alone!

This is definitely the most tame item on today's menu, but normal it ain't! I think, were I to wear this, I would feel like I was being swallowed by a big, soft esophagus. Either that, or like I was stuck in the middle of the world's largest, coziest wad of gum. Not only that, but the weight of the cowl neck on this thing is probably crushing her vertebrae and sternum simultaneously. 

Finally. FINALLY! We have proof that the Abominable Snowman or "Yeti" actually exists! ...And apparently lives in suburbia.

What I like about this is that it's kind of like a big, fuzzy onsie. I bet you could hang out where thewild things are and none of the wild things would be the wiser. However, being as it's still kind of the Christmas season, all my mind can think of is how awesome this would be if you removed the wonky bows and that big collar and made the thing out of green furry yarn... because that'd make one heck of a Grinch suit. Chair of Cheer? You'd ride that thing from here to eternity!

Sweet merciful crap! That's a face full of warm fuzzy right there, and yeah, I'm scared. I'm scared for a lot of reasons. Why...why... would you need this, or want this? I'm afraid  the answer probably involves a disclaimer along the lines of "safety word recommended."

Sometimes, Mother Nature herself likes to get in on the business of fuzzy sweaters, and boy does she do a stellar job! Somewhere, I think Robin Williams is looking at this guy and shaking his head approvingly. Personally, I don't mind a little chest hair, but I don't want my guy to be able to double as a bearskin rug. 

And now for something completely different...

A little note about something not so warm and fuzzy... I've added the moderation function to comments... at least for a while. I'm afraid one sour grape is trying to spoil the bunch. You see, I make fun of things on this blog, but it's always with a spirit of lighthearted humor. Sometimes things are meant to be laughed at, and I include myself in that category, as is clearly seen in many of my posts. If you crochet crazy hot pants for men, I include you too... but it's not because you're not talented as all get out. It's because I'm finding a bit of joy in what you're making, and I think it's great that there are people who create such wonderfully wacky items. More power to all of you. 

However, if you feel the need to insult this blog or me because you don't like it, then my advice is don't read it. I'm not forcing you to, and honestly, I don't want you to. You're not enjoying it, and that's why I write it... because it's enjoyable to me, and because others seem to find it enjoyable... so go do something you like to do. Life is too short to waste your time commenting on a blog you find so offensive. 

Seriously. 

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Merry Christmas to All!

 
strange cosmos
From the most awkward Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer ever...

 
To the oh so familiar floating multicolored Santa heads...


happy snowman
And the disturbingly headless Frosty the Snowman...

 
I'd like to wish you a beary Merry Christmas...

 
from my awesomely festive family above...



to yours... whoever you are... and whatever you're wearing.

MERRY CHRISTMAS from THE UGLY SWEATER!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

It's A Festivus!


 
open salon

...For the rest of us!


And now, the origin of "Festivus."
Frank Costanza: "Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way."

Cosmo Kramer:
"What happened to the doll?"

Frank Costanza: "It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born: a Festivus for the rest of us!"

Kramer: "That must have been some kind of doll."


Frank Costanza: "She was."


And that's how we came to know Festivus, the great non-holiday holiday brought to us by the world of Seinfeld. However, did you know that behind the back story of Festivus is the actual back story of Festivus? It's true. Granted, it's no night before Christmas, but eh... Turns out, a producer on Seinfeld has been celebrating Festivus since the 60's thanks to his dad, the real "Father Festivus."

Was it modified for TV? Sure. Am I going to type it all out here? No. Wikipedia can tell you all about it. I'm just going to show you what to wear to it. Festivus is a night of many customs, the first being to assemble the unadorned Festivus pole. (As seen above!) Just because the pole is unadorned doesn't mean you have to be.

 
all funny stuff
Remember, it's not Christmas or Hanukkah or even Kwanzaa... it's Festivus, so let your choice of attire be festive, but non-specific. Moose do an excellent job of saying "I'm ready for 'holiday'!" And the earmuffs, well, they'll come in handy during the next Festivus tradition, The Airing of Grievances. 


etsy
Why not start this discord off right away by wearing this disgruntled feline to the family table. Do you have grievances to air? You bet your bagel you do. During dinner, tell everyone exactly what you don't like about them or about the world or even Festivus, (but who would have anything bad to say about Festivus? I'd like to air grievances against them, I would!) Angry cat will leave everyone else speechless, and leave you free to tell them why they should stay that way. 

 
Mondo: The Blog
Next up on the Festivus schedule are the Feats of Strength. These are no ordinary feats mind you... no, this is for family dominance, where the head of the house has to maintain their reign or suffer a humiliating loss to a lower ranking family member. This sweater, a tribute to the fantastic monsters of Ray Harryhausen, is perfect for the reigning champion or a challenger bent on taking over the easy chair and remote control. It's sure to strike fear into the heart of any opponent as they remember the terror wrought upon Jason and his Argonauts by these claymation skeletons of yesteryear. Finally, the feast is done and Dad or Mom or even Grandpa or Grandma has been defeated or triumphant in the feats. Everyone's grievances have been aired and a general mood of discord fills the air as the unadorned aluminum of the Festivus Pole sparkles in the corner. Now, there's only one thing left to bring Festivus to a close. .
A Festivus Miracle. 
A good example of a Festivus Miracle would be the fact that I FINALLY got this post to format correctly. (OY!) 

 The wonderful thing about Festivus Miracles, is that anything can be one. Cousin Chester remembered, for once,  to bring ice to the party? It's a Festivus Miracle! The guy in front of you in the line at the grocery store used to coach your cousin's son's baseball team? It's a Festivus Miracle! You thought you were out of cheese puffs, but lo and behold you found another bag behind the Corn Pops... what is it? You got it: Festivus. Miracle. A Festivus Miracle can happen at any time, leaving you dazzled and bewildered, much like Mr. Wheaton appears to be in the above picture. And why have I chosen him to illustrate this particular part of Festivus? Because let's face it, that sweater is truly miraculous. 


HAPPY FESTIVUS! 
"FESTIVUS YES! BAGEL NO!"

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Swingin' Solstice Singles!

The Winter Solstice is upon us, and what better way to celebrate the turning of nature's page than with some seasonal beauties. And speaking of seasonal beauties, let me introduce you to the latest dating site the web has to offer... just in time for a Solstice sweetheart:

♥KNIT TOGETHER♥
This is Melvin P. Garfinkle, age 37. Melvin is looking for a lady that shares his love of Star Wars, cultivating fungi, and wearing seasonally appropriate turtlenecks and sweaters. When Melvin isn't busy playing with his Sims, he enjoys conversing with other Linux enthusiasts, adding to his Ewok figurine collection, and posting comments on  youtube videos. Melvin's ideal woman is not opposed to Cosplay, must be open to the possibility that hidden magical societies exist (i.e. Harry Potter), and should remind him very strongly of his mother. If you're just the lady Melvin is looking for, email him at: Melvinislarping@garfinkle.com

This is Richard Snibbly. Richard is the night manager at Dwight's Office Supply Co. Richard is looking for the love of his life- a lady who appreciates the fine, subtle difference a 28lb bright white paper stock provides over the common 20lb weight. Richard likes to spend his time comparing the ink absorption capabilities of name brand sticky notes versus generic, finding innovative ways to prepare Ramen Noodles, and knitting staple cozies. Are you Richard's special someone? If you are, Richard says you would ideally be between 5'2 and 5'4 and weigh anywhere between 100lbs and 350lbs, liking cats is a plus. Want to spend some time getting to know Richard? Email him at: thesupplyguy@dwightsofficesupply.com

Ladies, meet Chazz Pizzle. Chazz is looking for the perfect way to romance you for the solstice. Chazz considers himself a ladies' man, and says he knows how to treat a woman like a woman. Your date with Chazz will include a greeting with flowers, the finest of carnations, and a box of Palmer's chocolates. You will sup at his favorite hotdog cart, and  be treated to a trip to New Jersey to play his brother's kid's Xbox. Chazz says his perfect lady will appreciate the fact that he's not a "9 to 5" kind of man, and understands that when he says he will pay you back... he will... eventually. Chazz likes a lady who takes care of herself, who knows how to dress- "cut low up high and high down low." Big hair and spray tans are more than welcome. Looking to be swept off your feet by Mr. Pizzle? Email him at: chazzlldazzleu@aol.com

Gentlemen, don't think you're alone here. Knit Together is full of wonderful women just waiting to meet you... women like Cathy Marie Frankle. Cathy Marie is a cafeteria worker at William Howard Taft Middle School, and she loves her job! Cathy Marie's favorite activity is running the industrial mixer on "Cheesecake Day." When she's not working hard, Cathy Marie spends her time volunteering at the library, raising exotic, long-haired gerbils, and growing her own parsley. She also has a passion for making her own holiday sweaters. Her favorite holidays are Christmas, Flag Day, and Arbor Day, and Cathy Marie has a sweater for them all! Cathy Marie says her ideal man would share her love of rodents, and ice cream scoop shaped mashed potatoes. Is Cathy Marie your holiday honey? If you think so, email her at: lunchladylover@whtms.edu

Meet one of our success stories: Wendy and Gillman Spazzwackin. Wendy and Gillman met on Knit Together in December of 2009, and had their first date on the 21st of that month. Six months later, Gillman proposed to Wendy at their local goat auction. Wendy and Gillman credit the success of their courtship to their common interests of small, domestic ungulates, finely knit applique sweaters, and collecting unpopular comics. For their anniversary this year, Gillman and Wendy plan to take a romantic vacation with their pet goat "Tribble" to Cawker City, Kansas to see the world's largest ball of twine.

Don't be alone this Solstice, join Knit Together and find the love of your life... TODAY!

Want to win $100 for your ugly sweater? Check out VNSNY's Ugly Sweater Contest!

Oh, and a big holiday welcome to all the new followers! It's great to have you here!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Eight Crazy Nights!

A mere $64.95!
Now, I'm not Jewish, but I've been told that it's so much funukkah to celebrate Hanukkah! I wish I could be a part of those eight crazy nights! Hanukkah 2011 is quickly approaching, and I'm sure that like your Gentile brothers and sisters, you want to be appropriately attired for your holiday extravaganza! I know I want you to be... and that's why I'll be posting a whole menorah's worth of great festival attire! If the candles don't light up your world, these sweaters will.

Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel, I made you out of clay! ...And I'm sure that's fun and all, but it's hard to compete with what has to be the world's happiest Jewish sweater: twin Dreidels holding the Star of David and dancing the Hora with a Menorah. (That was an amazingly unintentional rhyme.)

wtfhub
My gosh... if you could make those "Coexist" bumper stickers into a sweater, this would be it. Peace signs, Stars, Candles, snowmen, the earth. You've got a little of everything going on here. Granted, the Star of David takes center stage, but even it does double duty by providing us with a festive "season's greetings." The Menorah at the bottom might also be Christmas lights... I just can't tell. I. Just. Can't. Tell.

Peace, Shalom, Stay Cool.

Notice that there's no link here... that's because I found this gem myself, at the local thrift store. It was a brilliant find, and I hope it's purchased by someone who can truly appreciate it, and hopefully wear it to their own Hanukkah celebration. I say they'd definitely win all the gelt!

 The Ugly Sweater Shop
Now, blue happens to be my favorite color, and this particular shade of blue is pretty much my favorite, but what's really selling it to me is that virtual belt of Stars of David. That and the fact that it's buttoned all the way up like that. It looks kind of authoritarian... it looks like it means business. That's a sweater that says "Pass the Latkes and pass them NOW!"

prweb
Ok, I posted earlier about the happiest Hanukkah sweater in existence, but I think I've found the happiest Hanukkah celebrants this time. The sweaters are truly awesome, the glasses are hardcore, but man, those Menorah fedoras! (That rhyme might have been slightly more intentional.)

guest of a guest
Happy Hanukkah indeed. There's really something to be said for the three dimensional quality of those Dreidels. Plus, like the most elegant (by which I mean tackiest and most outrageous) of Christmas sweaters this Hanukkah sweater is wired, which means it will light up your night... possibly even eight of them!

 guest of a guest
It's like seeing the Jewish version of myself and my fictional boyfriend! (Although, I'm pretty sure I'd be wearing his sweater.)

Bonanza
On Moshe! On Herschal! On Shlomo! It's Hanukkah Harry! If you step into the way back machine and set the dial to the  golden days of SNL, you might remember this Yiddish holiday treasure. Hanukkah Harry, played by the always hilarious Jon Lovitz , stepped in to save Christmas when Santa fell ill. The children were delighted to find out that Christmas had been saved and ripped into their presents with glee... and then disappointment as they unwrapped their gifts of socks and underwear (8 pair!)

petsfly
Animals in clothes... every race, creed, and religion thinks it's A-OK... apparently. I still think it's weird, and I still think the animals hate it, but that is one cute besweatered dog, and I just like saying "Hanukkah Pup."

Well, Jewish friends, thanks for joining in with your Gentile bros and sisters and decking out your favorite December holiday in horrendously spectacular fashion. (Literally.) I wish you all a wonderfully Happy Hanukkah and a blessed new year!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Santa Baby...

Santa Claus, he's a beloved symbol of the holiday season, a jolly old elf, and a bringer of joy to children all over the world. We all know him by sight and by sound... a resounding "HO, HO, HO," and a lovely costume of red and white. Who wouldn't want their own Santa themed attire?

And why stick to the standards when you can put your own special twist on St. Nick's digs? Like this hat... it's like the conjoined twin of Christmas headgear! Just look at how excited you could be!

Almost as excited as this lady! She's practically bursting with holiday cheer! I would be too if I had a Santa head scarf like this. If you want one, just check out the linky and fly your sleigh on over to the instructions!

Now, before the modern inception of Santa, brought to us mainly by the cheerful Coke ads of yesteryear, Santa was often pictured wearing a long robe like coat, sure to help keep out the chill of Christmas Eve night as he hopped from rooftop to rooftop. Velvet and fur were commonly depicted materials, but here on the Ugly Sweater, if it's not knit, it does not fit! It's festive, it's warm, it probably took forever to make. I would wear the holly jolly heck out of it!

It's well known that I have a deep and abiding love for Ugly, tacky, and downright unfortunate sweaters, but I won't turn my nose up at a pair of cringeworthy mittens! (And they're new!) I think they go perfectly with the scarf, and the fact that they're pink is a real bonus... I mean, with the hat, the scarf, and the coat, you wouldn't want too much red!

Speaking of unfortunate sweaters... you're welcome. Yes, it's pretty heinous, and I think Santa might need to visit a doctor about that eye, but to the dude that's wearing it, I salute you. That beer gut really fills out the beard. Again, it's perfectly paired with the rest of our collection.

Of course, if we've got the hat, the scarf, the mittens, and the sweater, we'll need some pants. Pantsless Santa isn't a miracle on 34th street... just an arrest on 34th street.

And finally, we reach the end of our Santa ensemble with... these things! These little sock-bootie thingies will be the perfect finishing touch for our over the top Santa Baby selections.They're actually pretty adorable, if you don't mind he fact that Santa has a badonkadonk the size of the Rockefeller Christmas Tree. Now, if only someone could put all these items together. I'd love to see a picture... which I would post... which would probably make the blog implode.

Santa Baby... slip a sweater under the tree for me... I've been an awful good girl...

Update:

Well, life is still steaming along, and I'm still jobless, but I've got some great freelance, and my house is no longer hemorrhaging water, fridges, circuit breakers, or other costly disasters. However, through all of this yuletide terror, I have been so blessed. My family, friends, church, and even people I don't really know have been so supportive and giving, and have done so much for me during all of this. This Christmas, I have seen more kindness, generosity, and love than I could ever put into words. It has strengthened my faith, humbled me, and shown me the true meaning of Christmas through the Christlike spirit that has been displayed in abundance by so many wonderful people. It makes for a truly Merry Christmas. Thank you to all.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Deck The Halls: Sweater Style!

"Deck your neck, your feet, your body, Fa la la la laaaaa, la la la la. 'Tis the season to dress oddly. Fa la la la laaaaa, la la la la."

"Don we now crazy apparel. Fa la la la la laaaaa, la la la la. Like this gift from Great Aunt Carol. Fa la la la laaaa, la la la la."

"See the blazing wool before us. Fa la la la laaaaa, la la la la. Three deer er... 'playing'  in the forest. Fa la la la laaaaa, la la la la."

"Stripy socks are such a pleasure, Fa la la la laaaaa, la la la la. They'll be a classic Yuletide treasure. Fa la la la laaaaa, la la la la."

Craftzine
"Strangers stare at as your bike passes. Fa la la la laaaaa, la la la la. You'll turn the heads of lads and lasses. Fa la la la laaaaa, la la la la."

Now let's wear it all together. Fa la la la laaaaa, la la la la. You'll withstand any winter weather. Fa la la la laaaaa, la la la laaaaaaaa!"


Meanwhile, in real life land:
I'm still jobless, but I've got a couple of freelance projects that will hopefully be helpful. I have a "new" fridge, so that's awesome, and I'll be getting the ultra expensive COBRA insurance... which, while financially draining, is necessary. Oh, and my basement flooded with a foot of water thanks to a busted washer hose. Yay!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!