Monday, June 29, 2015

These Will Keep You In Stitches...Plus, I rap!

 

 

 
Brainjet 

 The Stitch Life
 "Stacks on stacks. 
Yeah.
Stacks on stacks.
Uh huh.
Yeah.
Stacks on stacks, 
Yeah, I got that."

*drops the beat*

 "Stacks on stacks I said
Stacks on stacks on stack of thread
My needles they flyin'
My phrases, they buyin'
They be ballin' like Kim K
and written like Kanye
I be livin' that hoop life 
Stitch like I'm a good wife
I got dem skills like ya grandma
but I'm bankin' like Trump, ya
Got them framed like a heirloom
all up in the bathroom.
I'm a needlepoint boss y'all
Hang my rhymes on ya hall wall 
Keep ya 'Yonce and Yeezus your Whiz and ya Wheezy
I can spit my own rhymes, but stitchin' aint easy"
 You do you, Tina. You do you.

Etsy 
 No treble. 

PATTERN Nope Subversive Funny Cross Stitch Instant Download .PDF 
 Etsy
Look at all the nopes I have to give!
"Hey, can you..."
Nope.
"Hey, you wanna..."
Nope. Nope.
"I think we should..."
Nope. Nope. Nopity. Nope.

And finally, Bill Murray. Because, Bill Murray.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

I BRING YOU...SHEER MAGIC!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys & girls, children of all ages! Come and see the greatest show on earth! Tonight, in the center ring, I bring you a sight sure to amaze you, dazzle your senses, and leave you speechless in wonderment! Sadly, I cannot claim to be the discoverer of such a magnificent spectacle, but I would be remiss, nay criminal even, if I did not share with you these things. So, fair audience, prepare to be amazed, prepare to click the link, prepare for MAGIC!

crochet-shorts-schuyler-ellers-lord-von-schmitt-2
has brought to us a glorious pageant of color and texture! Behold the link above and click! You will be transported to a land of fantasy beyond your wildest imaginings, for this is only a taste of the marvels you will find!
 crochet-shorts-schuyler-ellers-lord-von-schmitt-5
What's more, dear people, you can own them for yourselves! Who can hold the stars in their hands? Who can catch lightning in jar? Who, I ask you, can lasso the wind like a wild steed? YOU! My friends, when you gird your loins with such majesty!

Size 32 Felted Wool Chevron Rainbow Disco Pants

 Fluorescent Chevron Crochet Longboard Shorts
"Schuyler Ellers, who runs the Lord von Schmitt Etsy shop, creates dazzlingly colorful patterned crochet shorts out of recycled materials that are sure to please both the wearer and their stunned beholders (man or woman)." Davos of Bored Panda

Don't believe me for my words those of you who gather here! Believe your own eyes, even if what you behold is UNBELIEVABLE! 

Friday, June 19, 2015

Been Missin' You...

I miss you. I know I don't write often, and I never call or text, but baby, I think about you ALL. THE. TIME. You'll always be my boo. You're the blog that broke my heart and then wrapped it in a hideous sweater of love. I'll never let you go, no matter how long we go without seeing each other.

I brought you some gifts, you know, 'cause I didn't want to show up empty handed...

Knitted leotard: 

It's summer and I just want to cozy up to you in the pool, but also be separated from you by literally POUNDS AND POUNDS of wool. It's just like our relationship, so close, and yet... so far away.

Get naked.

I mean, I just want to hang out with you again, like we did in the old days. Remember, I'd write funny things, and you'd ask me for a picture of a lady knitting herself into a giant sleeve? Those were the good times, just a woman alone with her blog. Add a salad, it would be the perfect night.

Mbxbugc

Or maybe we could go out, hit up the coffee shop and chat. I've got the perfect outfit. I can get one for you too, so people know we're together.

Men's crochet outfit | Mollie Makes
Like these best friends. 

Compubody sock, computer hood, Becky Stern, instructables, knitting
Let's never be apart again.



Monday, September 29, 2014

Hey There Lonely Girl...

KNITTED BF
Original article by:
 
So there I was, just getting my google on, and all of a sudden, THIS.  I've pulled all of these photos from the Huffington Post, and they've got the whole scoop on this well crafted man friend, which you can read by clicking the linky under the picture. However, I'll be giving you the "I'm OK being a 'C' student," Cliff Notes version. 



knitted bf
Artist Noortje De Kejzer sometimes felt lonely and the sad, and desperate landscape of the modern dating scene did nothing to help her shake that feeling. And, she figured others must, at times, feel lonely themselves. So, she created her very own knitted boyfriend, which speaks to the human condition and the want of companionship. 

knitted bf
I hope my project brings a bit of recognition, and awareness that everybody feels lonely from time to time. That it is totally fine to talk about it or even laugh about it! I tried to make a very humorous project about this serious subject. I believe that laughing about a negative feeling is already the beginning of a more positive and happy feeling. And when you feel positive and happy with yourself, the right person will come along!
                
knitted bf
 I guess you could say this project was truly a labor of love. 

knitted bf brush teeth
 Best of luck, you crazy kids!


Noorje put together a charmingly humorous little film on her my knitted boyfriend project, and they life they live together. Give it a view.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

A Little Toilet Humor...

 Grandma, it's time to stop.
Uncomfortable.
This just makes me uncomfortable. 
In all of my days, I've never said "You know, the one thing this toilet seat is missing is the sweet caress of rough crochet, preferably, the same crochet that has caressed many other buttcheeks." Not. Once.  
Also, can we discuss the unfortunate color scheme? Yellow and brown. Yellow and brown, blanketing your toilet seat. If that's not an invitation to sit on down and make yourself at home, I don't know what is! 
 
 Why do I feel like someone's about to get murdered? If ever there was a scene of foreboding and menace, this is it. TP doesn't like you trying to taking his place, little guy. I think you know that already, judging by the look on your... face? He's going to make sure you hang, and not on the... spinny thingy.
But... why?

WHY?
 I've seen these. These are real life. I've been in houses where they stare at you, stare at you with their dead eyes and skirts full of secrets. And there you are, just sitting there, half naked while Barbs just smiles at you.  Again, uncomfortable.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

It's Been A While...

Hello, blogger my old friend. 
I cannot guess how long it's been, 
Since I last posted in this place.
Writing words in cyberspace.
Tales of fashion gone awry
Knits so bad they'll make you cry
But there's a beauty to behold
in crochet shorts and patterns bold
And so, I'm back to write some more
so buckle up, there's lots in store.


My sweet landscape of wrecked and wonderful knitwear. How I've missed you. Oh, how I've missed you! We were never meant to be apart so long. We go together like peas and carrots, Forrest and Jenny, Tom Hiddleston and Myself... wait. (That last one may be unproven, but I'm guessing 100% accurate.)

Knitted Hiddleston Available on ArtFire
by The Cheeky Girl

I googled "Knitted Tom Hiddleston," and BY JOVE there he is in his Henry the Vth kit. Is there anything the sweet, sweet insanity of the internet can't provide? The creator of this piece is obviously talented, and you should check out her crafty custom pieces.

But I digress. Hiddles deserves a post all his own.

Anyway, this won't be a long post, but I wanted to let you know to start expecting good things. Good things like this:

This gives you a whole new perspective on granny squares. Yowza. 


Sunday, December 22, 2013

An Updated Favorite and Happy Festivus!

I didn't choose the Christmas Sweater Life;
The Christmas Sweater Life chose me.
So, making a new sweater this year was not really in the stars for me, but speaking of stars, I did have time to throw together that sparkly little tiara. (It's a tiiiiiiiiara!!!! Put it on me, put it on me, put it on me!) The sweater is a remix too, but you've got to admit, those shoulder bows really gave it the punch it was missing. I think it brought new life into the old girl. This is how I dressed for the last day of work of 2013. I felt like it put a nice cap on the year, and affirmed to everyone that I really should have been born in Whoville. I've been slammed and haven't been able to update the blog much this year, but I'm hoping to get out one good post before the season ends. Be on the look out for a third installment of Swingin' Soltice Singles, as it's time for tales of lasting love, all wrapped up in cozy knitwear.

In the meantime, I hope everyone has a happy or at least tolerable Festivus tomorrow. Best of luck in the feats of strength! (May the odds be ever in your favor!)

This sweater is Festivus appropriate, but if you can't find a sweater, a puffy shirt will work in a pinch.

Jerry, you look like you've got a grievance to air.
Here's a helpful link to help your Festivus run more smoothly. I'd hate for anyone to have to rain blows upon you!


Happy Festivus to all the rest of us!