Sunday, December 22, 2013

An Updated Favorite and Happy Festivus!

I didn't choose the Christmas Sweater Life;
The Christmas Sweater Life chose me.
So, making a new sweater this year was not really in the stars for me, but speaking of stars, I did have time to throw together that sparkly little tiara. (It's a tiiiiiiiiara!!!! Put it on me, put it on me, put it on me!) The sweater is a remix too, but you've got to admit, those shoulder bows really gave it the punch it was missing. I think it brought new life into the old girl. This is how I dressed for the last day of work of 2013. I felt like it put a nice cap on the year, and affirmed to everyone that I really should have been born in Whoville. I've been slammed and haven't been able to update the blog much this year, but I'm hoping to get out one good post before the season ends. Be on the look out for a third installment of Swingin' Soltice Singles, as it's time for tales of lasting love, all wrapped up in cozy knitwear.

In the meantime, I hope everyone has a happy or at least tolerable Festivus tomorrow. Best of luck in the feats of strength! (May the odds be ever in your favor!)

This sweater is Festivus appropriate, but if you can't find a sweater, a puffy shirt will work in a pinch.

Jerry, you look like you've got a grievance to air.
Here's a helpful link to help your Festivus run more smoothly. I'd hate for anyone to have to rain blows upon you!


Happy Festivus to all the rest of us!

Thursday, November 28, 2013

The Cat Lady Starter Kit...

At some point, I think you just get the crazy cat lady starter kit sent to your door. It's not so much that you're looking to own 15 cats, as it is the universe assumes that since you're 30ish, female, and single, you're probably heading that way. For me, this was last year. They, the cats, just started showing up at my house. Cats. More than one. Multiple cats started hanging out, like they'd been invited or summoned. Now, don't get me wrong, I like cats. I used to have a cat, the best one ever probably, but that was my choice, Universe! Stop sending me your spares! However, if I was to become a crazy cat lady, I think I've found a few items that I'd want to throw in my basket.

First off, let's talk about that up there. Knit Your Own Cat. KNIT YOUR OWN CAT. I mean, there are 16 frisky felines you can make! 16 of them! Each of your real cats can have a stuffed cat of its own!
Those eyes. I'm guessing each and every one of those cats is tweaked out on the 'nip. It's their first time seeing in color, and ME-WOW! It's like a sweater made from the tasty rainbow trail of Nyan-Cat.

Of course, having cats is a hobby all its own, but what do you do with them once you start collecting them? Easy, you knit for them. Cat in a hoodie? Why not? Obviously the cat is enjoying it.

Almost as much as the cat in the... hat. Yoda?
etsy
AND then there's this! The, a little too realistic , knitted cat scarf, for you to wear. I might be wrong, but bonus points if I'm right- I'm thinking that's knitted from real cat hair. Also, you can use it to threaten your pets too, if they start misbehaving. "You remember Mr. Whiskers, Mittens? DO YOU? He thought my couch was a scratching post too. Now, he goes perfectly with my green sweater."
Those eyes have seen terrible things.

uniqart
Puuuurfect

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Everyone Loves A Chunky Knit...

 Maybe I'm wrong...

 But I'm pretty sure...

This is just a sleeve.

 Not a Sweater. Not a Dress. Just. A. Sleeve.

 This however...

 I'm almost positive was crafted by Jim Henson.
HOW MANY INNOCENT MUPPETS HAD TO DIE FOR YOU?

RIP "Mahna Mahna"... RIP.

Well, that's... sexy? They're going for sexy right? I mean, the pose says "take me, I'm yours!" But the outfit says "Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?" So, I don't really know. It is nice to see that someone added some regular sleeves to the main sleeve though.

"Wow, she looks so comfortable, so natural, and not horribly awkward at all." thinks the guy in the background.

If there's anything I like about women's fashion, it's items that add a good chunk of girth to my overall size. At least if you fall, there's plenty of padding, or if you're attacked by a bear, you can just tuck into your sweater like a turtle. It'll take HOURS for anything to get through all that knit.That's what we've got here, predator prevention. Good job. 

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Go BIG or Go HOME


I live in America. 'MURICA. We like things BIG. We super-size every thing: meals, houses, cars, waistlines, even problems. (ACA...)You name it; we like it with two heaping scoops of extra ginormous. However, we don't have a monopoly hugeness. Imagine my surprise when I found that little infographic up top there. When it comes to sweaters of unusual size or SOUSes, I didn't even think they existed, until I was attacked by one in the Fire Swamp. 

I couldn't find an image of the giant UK sweater, so I give you this one from New Zealand! It only makes sense really, given their world- renowned, high-quality wool, that they'd put it to good use, such as knitting a sweater no one could ever actually wear. NZ, I like it. I like your offbeat sense of humor, your easygoing attitude, and your plentiful hobbits. You could probably clothe the whole population of the Shire with that one garment.

 Oh China, you put in an excellent effort, but I'm afraid you're taking bronze in the Sweaterlympics. Turkey's put us all to shame, and we here in the US didn't even place! Here's to better luck in the floor exercises.

This sweater bears an uncanny resemblance to Big Foot, as in it was ridiculously difficult to find pictures, and what I did find was small, blurry, and couldn't be trusted to not just be some guy in a gorilla suit or in this case, a close up of a Seurat painting. Oh Peru, you and your wealth of mysteries- ancient, creepy mummies, crystal skulls, giant pixelated sweaters...

I guess that is one way to save on the heating bills. Turkey, you've outdone yourself. You've outdone everyone, actually. That is by far the biggest sweater I've ever seen, and I've been to an American Wal-Mart! Congratulations. You've done your country proud.

And now... for something completely different.


 "Aaaaaaaaas yooooouuuu wiiiiiiiiiish!"

Monday, November 18, 2013

A Time To Be Thankful... And Single

I'VE DONE MY WAITING! 12 YEARS OF IT! IN AZKABAN!
Wait... wait... that's Sirius Black, not me. Still, I've done my waiting too, many, many years of it, as have most of us. I have fond memories of the kids' table though, surrounded by cousins, telling stories, arguing about cartoon shows like adults do about politics, and eating home-cooked goodness until we almost vomited. ('Murica) However, I can proudly say I've been promoted from the kids table. That's right, now, I proudly sit at the "you're still single at your age?" table, and that's GOT to count for something.

 And now that I am in that stage of life, spinsterhood, I feel like I can probably get away with wearing classic Thanksgiving gems like this little number. Just look at those zazzy turkeys! Nothing says "I don't plan on having a boyfriend for the holidays or ever" quite like a checker-blocked cardigan riddled, yes, riddled, with festively feathered fowl. 

Of course, there's also this. I bet it says something like "I'm 'Beary' Thankful" or "Don't Forget The 'Cranbeary' Sauce" on the back. It also says "Keep on moving, hottie. I can't 'bear' the thought of a relationship."

 etsy
Or maybe this one. I mean, if you're going to give up, give up big... don't even get the bird right.  Chickens? Sure, why not?

BUT WAIT! WHAT'S THIS?! A man that shares my affinity for thankfulness, sass, and sweaters?! Well, just look at that delightfully awkward beefcake! I don't see a ring on that finger, sweetcheeks... maybe there's hope to move on from the "why are you ***always*** single?" table yet! Maybe someday our paths will cross. One can only hope! Who knows, perhaps I might even find him on Knit Together!

***Emphasis added for a more realistic experience***


Sunday, October 13, 2013

I'm Gonna Hash Some Tags...


Only Got $20 in my pocket...
which might buy you this #sweater... or it might not. I don't know. I do have to ask, if people click on that, do they get a linkback or just a sexual harassment lawsuit? Either way, there's a lot of hastag love and hate goin' on out there in the world. You've got this girl, obviously #ShowingSomeLove to the hash...

...and this ladykid who ain't sippin on hashtag #Haterade. 

 Etsy
By why wear your hashtag on your sleeves when you can wear it on your head?  I mean, sure, at first glance I think #StarOfDavid, but then I realize, no, and that I need to go to the eye doctor soon. My contacts are obviously made of #WeakSauce. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm getting older and I stare at a computer screen all day every day. #Nothing. 

#MovingOn
 
We can't forget to mention the dynamic duo of  #JustinTimberlake and #JimmFallon. These guys know comedy. Check them throwing out this youtube vid full of #LoveHate for tags. Also #HashHands are a thing now. I call it.



#lolololololololol...

Personally, I #LoveHashtags, they're extremely handy when used correctly, and can be most beneficial for pulling up relevant information on a wealth of subject matter, but I love to use them incorrectly even more, which is why my friend Talmadge and I started this page on FB. We'd love to have you join us. TagginWithTalmadge. Really, the only rule is everything you say has to be said in hashtag format: #ThisMakesForReallyRidiculouslyLongAndPointlessHashtagsButItsSeriouslyHilarious.

#IKnowItsBeenAWhile
#IBetYouAllThoughtIWasDead
#ImActuallyOnlyMostlyDead
#MostlyDeadIsStillSlightlyAlive
#IfYouCanMakeAPrincessBrideReferenceMakeAPrincessBrideReference

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Happy Valentine's/Single Awareness Whatever Day...

Yeah, it's Valentine's Day. Yay. It's SO much fun when you're single! So here's a heart to set the mood. Can you feel the love? I know I can, because my facebook feed is vomiting it everywhere.

I can't blame all you lovebirds though. If I had someone special in my life, I'd give them my heart too, but probably not my extensive circulatory system like this guy. Jeez!

Until Mr. Right finds his way off whatever deserted island he MUST be on right now, I'll just keep wearing my heart on sleeve. Ladies, you don't have to take that literally.

And I'll try not to be jaded towards love, because really, what good does that do? Besides, the chocolate is 50% tomorrow!

I'm not even sorry.