Thursday, November 28, 2013

The Cat Lady Starter Kit...

At some point, I think you just get the crazy cat lady starter kit sent to your door. It's not so much that you're looking to own 15 cats, as it is the universe assumes that since you're 30ish, female, and single, you're probably heading that way. For me, this was last year. They, the cats, just started showing up at my house. Cats. More than one. Multiple cats started hanging out, like they'd been invited or summoned. Now, don't get me wrong, I like cats. I used to have a cat, the best one ever probably, but that was my choice, Universe! Stop sending me your spares! However, if I was to become a crazy cat lady, I think I've found a few items that I'd want to throw in my basket.

First off, let's talk about that up there. Knit Your Own Cat. KNIT YOUR OWN CAT. I mean, there are 16 frisky felines you can make! 16 of them! Each of your real cats can have a stuffed cat of its own!
Those eyes. I'm guessing each and every one of those cats is tweaked out on the 'nip. It's their first time seeing in color, and ME-WOW! It's like a sweater made from the tasty rainbow trail of Nyan-Cat.

Of course, having cats is a hobby all its own, but what do you do with them once you start collecting them? Easy, you knit for them. Cat in a hoodie? Why not? Obviously the cat is enjoying it.

Almost as much as the cat in the... hat. Yoda?
AND then there's this! The, a little too realistic , knitted cat scarf, for you to wear. I might be wrong, but bonus points if I'm right- I'm thinking that's knitted from real cat hair. Also, you can use it to threaten your pets too, if they start misbehaving. "You remember Mr. Whiskers, Mittens? DO YOU? He thought my couch was a scratching post too. Now, he goes perfectly with my green sweater."
Those eyes have seen terrible things.



Wednesday, November 20, 2013


I live in America. 'MURICA. We like things BIG. We super-size every thing: meals, houses, cars, waistlines, even problems. (ACA...)You name it; we like it with two heaping scoops of extra ginormous. However, we don't have a monopoly hugeness. Imagine my surprise when I found that little infographic up top there. When it comes to sweaters of unusual size or SOUSes, I didn't even think they existed, until I was attacked by one in the Fire Swamp. 

I couldn't find an image of the giant UK sweater, so I give you this one from New Zealand! It only makes sense really, given their world- renowned, high-quality wool, that they'd put it to good use, such as knitting a sweater no one could ever actually wear. NZ, I like it. I like your offbeat sense of humor, your easygoing attitude, and your plentiful hobbits. You could probably clothe the whole population of the Shire with that one garment.

 Oh China, you put in an excellent effort, but I'm afraid you're taking bronze in the Sweaterlympics. Turkey's put us all to shame, and we here in the US didn't even place! Here's to better luck in the floor exercises.

This sweater bears an uncanny resemblance to Big Foot, as in it was ridiculously difficult to find pictures, and what I did find was small, blurry, and couldn't be trusted to not just be some guy in a gorilla suit or in this case, a close up of a Seurat painting. Oh Peru, you and your wealth of mysteries- ancient, creepy mummies, crystal skulls, giant pixelated sweaters...

I guess that is one way to save on the heating bills. Turkey, you've outdone yourself. You've outdone everyone, actually. That is by far the biggest sweater I've ever seen, and I've been to an American Wal-Mart! Congratulations. You've done your country proud.

And now... for something completely different.

 "Aaaaaaaaas yooooouuuu wiiiiiiiiiish!"

Monday, November 18, 2013

A Time To Be Thankful... And Single

Wait... wait... that's Sirius Black, not me. Still, I've done my waiting too, many, many years of it, as have most of us. I have fond memories of the kids' table though, surrounded by cousins, telling stories, arguing about cartoon shows like adults do about politics, and eating home-cooked goodness until we almost vomited. ('Murica) However, I can proudly say I've been promoted from the kids table. That's right, now, I proudly sit at the "you're still single at your age?" table, and that's GOT to count for something.

 And now that I am in that stage of life, spinsterhood, I feel like I can probably get away with wearing classic Thanksgiving gems like this little number. Just look at those zazzy turkeys! Nothing says "I don't plan on having a boyfriend for the holidays or ever" quite like a checker-blocked cardigan riddled, yes, riddled, with festively feathered fowl. 

Of course, there's also this. I bet it says something like "I'm 'Beary' Thankful" or "Don't Forget The 'Cranbeary' Sauce" on the back. It also says "Keep on moving, hottie. I can't 'bear' the thought of a relationship."

Or maybe this one. I mean, if you're going to give up, give up big... don't even get the bird right.  Chickens? Sure, why not?

BUT WAIT! WHAT'S THIS?! A man that shares my affinity for thankfulness, sass, and sweaters?! Well, just look at that delightfully awkward beefcake! I don't see a ring on that finger, sweetcheeks... maybe there's hope to move on from the "why are you ***always*** single?" table yet! Maybe someday our paths will cross. One can only hope! Who knows, perhaps I might even find him on Knit Together!

***Emphasis added for a more realistic experience***