Monday, December 20, 2010

The Private Collection...

Each one of the following sweaters is one that I have in my own collection. Some I've made, some I've thrifted, some I've had since I was a child, and some, were passed down from mother to daughter in the time honored tradition of tackiness.

Tacky Sweater Bunko 2010
I feel like this is my magnum opus. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to top it really. The "Living Christmas Tree" literally made jaws drop when I walked in the door for Bunko. My friend Gina put it best, "Liz...LIZ!" It was a lot of fun to make and fairly simple at that. I think the tree skirt really sets off the whole look.

Tacky Sweater Ornament Exchange 2010
I picked this one up at the local thrift store for two bucks. Santa has no face. Well, actually, he has what I assume might be eyes up in the brim of his hat, but if you're looking for a nose or a mouth, you're out of luck. No big deal though, I mean, the kids don't mind that, right? See, just change a few words and you're all good!

♫ ♪ Faceless Claus is coming to town! ♪ ♫

Tacky Sweater Ornament Exchange 2009
I'm going to quote from my personal blog for this one, because really, it tells the whole story.

Here I am at Pine Hill [Tree Farm], in the store. It's wonderfully decorated...much like myself. Speaking of that, I actually made this sweater. It used to live a lonely and boring life at the thrift store, but I rescued it from its sad mediocrity...and let me tell you, ladies of a certain age LOVE. IT.


I was asked several times if I purchased it at Macy's. Macy's! Holding back my laughter, which took, trust me, a Herculean effort, I explained that I actually made it myself. After much 'ooing' and 'ahhing,' I was told I should go sell them at, again, Macy's. Last time I checked, Macy's didn't buy its stock from some chick with a box of sweaters in the back of her Hyundai, but hey, if I want to sell them 'at' Macy's, that parking lot is fair game baby.

Tacky Sweater Ornament Exchange 2008
The skiing penguin... what more do I need to say?

Every Christmas as a child
Ah, the memories. This one is from my elementary school days...and yes, I can still wear it, as illustrated by this awkward self portrait. It's not a true sweater, but I think the tackiness comes through in spades. It's fond memories for sure. Now, since I have no shame, I'll let you know that during the holidays, I sleep in this from time to time, paired with candy cane striped flannel pants...

Treasures from Mom
...Speaking of striped pants, here they are. Never let it be said that I'm a girl who is afraid to post an unflattering picture of herself online. Mom used to wear this sweater during the Christmas season, and really, the only reason she doesn't now is because she lost some weight and it's too big, but I can still see the love for it in her eyes.

Anyway, that's my collection, or at least what I wasn't too lazy to look for. From year to year it always provides a laugh to pull them out of the box, and I've even loaned them out to friends and family for various events. You really can make one for yourself pretty easily though. A few creatively placed items go a long way.

Still, my best advice when it comes to picking a tacky Christmas sweater? Know how to accessorise.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree...

How lovely are your branches!

One thing about Christmas, it usually goes to your head. Of course, I didn't plan to mean that in the literal sense, but then, I came across these. Let me introduce you to the Christmas tree hat. It can be simple like what you see above, a lovely, let's say spruce, adorned with a single star...

...Or, there might be some tastefully added color as well, something demure. Perhaps those colors might be small ornaments or lights, delicately sprinkled amongst the foliage.
 ...And then there's this. 
I like to call this one the "Clark Griswold." I can almost hear him singing "JOOOOOY TO THE WOOOOORLD!" as he raises those two plugs above his head to bring light and wonder to the ever appreciative neighbors.

Merry Christmas Sparky.

Of course, lights alone don't make the tree...
To me, it's all about the decorations!

Still, just like a real tree, you want to make sure to choose one that's going to fit where you want to put it. 

 "You don't want to put it here." -Jingles the cat

 Anne's Food
"Depression hurts." At least, that's what I think this little kitty's face is telling me. It goes to prove my continual point about animals in clothes, kind of like a non-frightening rule 34. If it exists, an animal will eventually be forced to wear it. No exceptions.

Of course, if hats aren't your thing, you could just knit the whole freakin' tree.*

*Disclaimer- Ginormous knitted tree is not to be worn as a hat. You will inevitably crush yourself, which isn't going to bring tidings of comfort and joy as the kids rush downstairs on Christmas morning to "see what Santa left."

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas!

And the prettiest sight you'll see is the sweater that will be at your own thrift store!

 Like this one. I was perusing the isles the other day, seeing what goods the old thrift shop had to offer and I came across this gem. I think somebody got their needles crossed. I mean, I'm as proud to be an American as the next, uh, American, but really? I needed a tacky sweater for a party, but I couldn't bring myself to purchase this one. Now that I'm looking at it again, I kind of wish I had. It's not like there isn't precedence for it...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I mean, fourth of Ju...uh, Christmas, yeah, Happy Chri, er Merry Christmas!

Still, the only kind of person I can really see wearing it is this guy:

Then there's this. I'm not sure, but I think maybe Santa got into someone's stash of 'special' milk and cookies. "The candy canes, they're like...whoa. It's like everything's moving in slow motion!" 

I did buy a couple of sweaters, but they're for another blog. In the meantime, let's see what the interwebs has to offer...
Herb of DC
Bonne chance outdoing this one from Grand Pari.  A little wine, the city of lights, this sweater, and before the end of the night, you'll be asking some attractive stranger Souhaitez-vous crochet avec moi ce soir?

On the picture it says "Tacky xmas sweater delight '08" however, the web address tells me it's actually "super-mega-monster-tacky-delight" which I think is more appropriate. So kawaii! Mickey,  I have to say I am a little disappointed in your offering. You can do better than that, just look at the crazy get ups these anime-girls-come-to-life have found! Pull it together. Are you a man or a mou...oh.
(I just realized, as a child, I owned and happily wore the exact same sweater as orange-hair girl. Wow.)

It's like I can see the future movie of this guy's life being cast now. "And in the part of Robbie, the lonely, socially inept, yet naively charming intern, is Steve Carell."

I need to watch, now.

How is it already the 8th of December!? It seems like only yesterday that I was writing about hideous turkey hats. 

Thursday, December 2, 2010

It's The Most Wonderful Time of The Year!

That's right! It's Christmas time! That special time of year when tacky, awful, wonderful sweaters are seen in abundance throughout the land! However, as much as I'd like to jump into flamingo Santas  and dogs stripped of their dignity, I'd be remiss if I didn't give a quick shout out to my Jewish friends first. After all it's the second night of Hanukkah and that menorah is burning brightly...

really, really brightly...from the chest. Jewish folk, you may not have as many tacky holiday sweaters as we gentiles, but when you do one up, you make us all proud.
I can't bring myself to make fun of these. The lady that creates them does so via custom orders. Each one is handmade per customer specifications and, AND, she happily makes custom UGLY sweaters if that's what you request. How awesome is that? Well, let me tell you, it's pretty dang awesome.  Her favorite ugly sweater will most definitely be featured in a future post. If you want a custom piece, they don't come cheap, but they're 'heirloom quality,' and heirloom hilarious.

OK, so technically, it's not Hanukkah, and as far as the political stuff related to this sweater, I'm not touching it with a ten foot Festivus pole, but if you happen to swing left of center, want to show your continued support for the Pres, and like discussing politics while passing the latkes, well, this one's for you!

I know. It's not a sweater, but...

I couldn't sit back and in good conscience, not post these. "Pants of David." PANTS. OF. DAVID. Yes, that's the actual name...and I think they pair perfectly with...

CatsFive Flickr
...this. If that face doesn't say "Happy Hanukkah," I don't know what does! Probably the one on the menorah, though that face might just say something like "MARGLEGARGEHARG!!" while waving around its crazy flaming arms.

OK, I'll admit, I'm getting out of my element here. I'm no stranger to Deuteronomy, but I didn't realize how involved this particular practice might be. I certainly didn't know there was the possibility of special clothes. However, if you're looking for a gift that's most definitely kosher and a little...uh, I was going to say unorthodox, but in this instance, I think that's entirely the opposite of what's going on here...

Oy! I don't know, this is making me all meshuga. You can order it here at

Anyway, Happy Hanukkah to all who celebrate this beautiful festival of lights. Shalom to you and yours.