Thursday, December 22, 2011

It's A Festivus!

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...For the rest of us!

And now, the origin of "Festivus."
Frank Costanza: "Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way."

Cosmo Kramer:
"What happened to the doll?"

Frank Costanza: "It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born: a Festivus for the rest of us!"

Kramer: "That must have been some kind of doll."

Frank Costanza: "She was."

And that's how we came to know Festivus, the great non-holiday holiday brought to us by the world of Seinfeld. However, did you know that behind the back story of Festivus is the actual back story of Festivus? It's true. Granted, it's no night before Christmas, but eh... Turns out, a producer on Seinfeld has been celebrating Festivus since the 60's thanks to his dad, the real "Father Festivus."

Was it modified for TV? Sure. Am I going to type it all out here? No. Wikipedia can tell you all about it. I'm just going to show you what to wear to it. Festivus is a night of many customs, the first being to assemble the unadorned Festivus pole. (As seen above!) Just because the pole is unadorned doesn't mean you have to be.

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Remember, it's not Christmas or Hanukkah or even Kwanzaa... it's Festivus, so let your choice of attire be festive, but non-specific. Moose do an excellent job of saying "I'm ready for 'holiday'!" And the earmuffs, well, they'll come in handy during the next Festivus tradition, The Airing of Grievances. 

Why not start this discord off right away by wearing this disgruntled feline to the family table. Do you have grievances to air? You bet your bagel you do. During dinner, tell everyone exactly what you don't like about them or about the world or even Festivus, (but who would have anything bad to say about Festivus? I'd like to air grievances against them, I would!) Angry cat will leave everyone else speechless, and leave you free to tell them why they should stay that way. 

Mondo: The Blog
Next up on the Festivus schedule are the Feats of Strength. These are no ordinary feats mind you... no, this is for family dominance, where the head of the house has to maintain their reign or suffer a humiliating loss to a lower ranking family member. This sweater, a tribute to the fantastic monsters of Ray Harryhausen, is perfect for the reigning champion or a challenger bent on taking over the easy chair and remote control. It's sure to strike fear into the heart of any opponent as they remember the terror wrought upon Jason and his Argonauts by these claymation skeletons of yesteryear. Finally, the feast is done and Dad or Mom or even Grandpa or Grandma has been defeated or triumphant in the feats. Everyone's grievances have been aired and a general mood of discord fills the air as the unadorned aluminum of the Festivus Pole sparkles in the corner. Now, there's only one thing left to bring Festivus to a close. .
A Festivus Miracle. 
A good example of a Festivus Miracle would be the fact that I FINALLY got this post to format correctly. (OY!) 

 The wonderful thing about Festivus Miracles, is that anything can be one. Cousin Chester remembered, for once,  to bring ice to the party? It's a Festivus Miracle! The guy in front of you in the line at the grocery store used to coach your cousin's son's baseball team? It's a Festivus Miracle! You thought you were out of cheese puffs, but lo and behold you found another bag behind the Corn Pops... what is it? You got it: Festivus. Miracle. A Festivus Miracle can happen at any time, leaving you dazzled and bewildered, much like Mr. Wheaton appears to be in the above picture. And why have I chosen him to illustrate this particular part of Festivus? Because let's face it, that sweater is truly miraculous. 


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