Saturday, December 29, 2012

Ready for the Ball Drop...

If you're like me, you're kind of stunned at how quickly the years seem to pass. One minute, it's January and you're taking down the tree, cleaning up wrapping paper and decorations, and the next minute, you're picking out your Halloween costume, dressing a turkey for Thanksgiving, and putting that tree up again. It's crazy. Well, 2012 is about to pass into the days of Auld Lang Syne and the sun is about to rise on 2013. It's a time for reflection, for resolution, and the biggest question we all must ask ourselves at the advent of each new year...

"what do I wear?"

I'm here to find the answer to just that question.

You could wear something like this. It's fun. It's festive. What could be more appropriate to wear to the big ball drop than a bunch of big balls? It also provides a nice buffer zone between you and other Times Square party goers. Random drunk guy trying to move in for a slobbery midnight kiss? Good luck getting past this thing, bucko.

Or this! It's got the ball theme of the evening, and it even looks snowy, which sometimes happens on New Year's. Plus, it'll help you keep that yearly resolution to drop some weight. You shed that thing and you've instantly lost 10 lbs! 

One more look that echoes the beauty of the ball drop, and as you can see, this fantastic look has already won some kind of major award.

Want something a little more "narrative"? How about this throwback number? You can ring in 2013 by remembering the anticipation, wonder, and slightly terrifying foreboding that was the year 2000. "Happy New Year! We might all die at any moment!"

Happy New Year!

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Teach Me, Master...

A crackling fire in your Christmas sweater. IN IT. 
I'm not sure this can be topped. +1 internets to you sir.

If there's anything a $700 piece of technology should be used for, it's surely this.


Friday, December 21, 2012

The Yuletribe. They Are A Festive People...

I pulled this pic from National Geographic. Let me introduce you to Kringle, the King of the Yuletribe, a newly discovered people group off the coast of eastern coast of northernmost Canada. The "Yulies" as they like to call themselves are a very happy and clever people, crafting most of their clothing from discarded Christmas decorations and sweaters culled from various ugly sweater functions. The gold garland is a symbol of his great standing amongst his tribe. Lesser kinsmen are only allowed to drape their torsos in simple bead garlands.

Kringle's wife, Merry, is an equally jolly soul, though she does wield her candy can scepter with a fierce justice against those who are naughty, not nice. Her hat and evergreen garland have been passed down through her family for generations. They are a proud symbol for Yule people, being represented on the flag, arms, and mini bus of the tribe.

The traditional garb of the Yuletribe is not only beautiful, but it serves as excellent camo for any Yulie being pursued by a predator or if one wonders into overcrowded mall during the Christmas season. In either instance, it proves to confuse and annoy the aggressor, or allows one to simply blend in with holiday decor until escape is possible.

Even the animal companions of the Yulies are bedecked in their festive best. As with most animals, they're thrilled to be trapped in human clothing. Thrilled.

Here is an example of ceremonial garb of the King Kringle's tribe. This intricate and finely crafted garment would be worn for an event such as a wedding, coronation, or fertility festival (what we might refer to as 'Valentine's Day.')

A truly fascinating people! Merry Christmas, Yuletribe!

Sunday, December 16, 2012

"600 'Monsters' Strong for Connecticut."

If you've seen the news recently, you are aware of the tragedy that happened in Newtown, Connecticut at Sandy Hook Elementary School. In a moment, 26 lives were senselessly snuffed out by a desperate and depraved individual. Those 26 lives that were stolen were 26 too many, but in addition to the lives that were taken that day, the innocence of countless others were swept away with the first bullet fired. Children now fear going to kindergarten and parents fear sending them. It shouldn't be like that. It just shouldn't. Our country is heartbroken for these families, this school, and this community. Newton Connecticut, we love you and we mourn with you.

But thankfully, in moments where humanity shows its darkest face, someone else shines a light. Nothing can changed what happened that day or bring those precious lives back, but an outpouring of love can be given to those left to deal with the aftermath. Ravelry, an awesome knit and crochet community has come together on a project to provide soft, lovable stuffed toys (referred to as 'monsters' simply because that is the name of the pattern that is being used) for every child in attendance at Sandy Hook. There is also a facebook group where you can learn more about this project if you'd like to get involved. (If you would like to be a part of this endeavor, be sure you go through the official project site as it assures proper coordination and that these little guys get where they need to go!)

Newton, Connecticut, we love you. We pray for you.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Christmas Sweaters... THAT AREN'T!

Christmas sweaters are a big deal (As well they should be!) this time of year, especially for the party goer. However, bedazzling your torso in a red and green knitwear novelties isn't the only way to show your Christmas spirit. Oh no! There are plenty of other options for the discerning reveler.  For example, you can wear your sweater pride right on your fingertips! This particular option requires a bit of artistic skill though, or the cash monies you'd need to pay your manicurist. Still, you'll be the belle of the ball with these babies! If you're like me, a dedicated DIYer, you'd have one hand perfectly polished, just like the one above, and one hand, that looks like a 6 year old did it for you. Perfect!

How do you spell sexy? S-O-C-K-S... Christmas socks to be specific. Let's get a better look at these:

Yowza! Oh yeah. I like the way she's workin' the theme. Kitten socks, kitten heels. Now these are great on their own, but can you imagine them paired with a miraculously hideous sweater and maybe a pair of  plaid knickers (short pants, not underwear...although, that would make a statement!)? You could have a killer Christmas cat outfit sure to win the hearts of crazy old ladies and sweater party voters alike!
And then there's this! Keep your wine in the party way! If you're dressed up, why not your booze? Toss one of these on your wine, beer, or even your coke bottle!

Hard as it is to believe, sometimes, a sweater's just not the appropriate attire. Take where I live for example. It's currently about 70F outside, kind of balmy, and total crap for December! I'm not a fan of warm Christmas times. I want snow, snow, snow! 

*ahem* Pardon me...

Soooo... something like this would be perfect! All the charming ugliness of the sweater you love in a cool and breezy cotton poly blend. (Hey Gingerbread, Movember's over! Time to shave that thing! Yeesh!)

This homage to the ugly sweater is a personal favorite. The sweater cookie! And look, Hanukkah's on the plate too! (Happy Hanukkah to all out there celebrating!) Red and green or blue and white, any party would welcome a deliciously decorated cookie.
(Weirdly enough, there is a picture of me in this linked blog post!)
Want to pop that sweater but keep the street cred? Pull on a pair of festive Chuck Taylors and you'll be good to go.

So there you have it, a few alternatives or additions (yes.) to the typical ugly sweater routine. Mix it up a little this year, and you'll be the life of the belovedly cliched yet awesomely fun holiday get together!

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The Men of Christmas...

Check out this sexy beast... and yes, I'm talkin' 'bout that sweata! That's enough knitwear for 3-4 male fashion models. Plus, it's got those reindeer that look like they've had an encounter with a nuclear explosion... so cool! I wonder how much this thing weighs? It's probably collapsing this poor guy's spinal column even as we speak! Speaking of collapsing, I'd like you all to know that I've got a terrible case or walking pneumonia. (Walking my butt.) I just got back from the doctor, where I was given two shots, filled with what I can only assume was liquid fire and hot nails. That's all kind of irrelevant, but I just thought you'd like to know that if this blog post is a little loopsy it's because I just added a percocet to the mix. Why would I do that? Because I'm in incredible pain. I had no idea Pneumonia made you feel like someone was trying to smash an ax into your... everything. And I shouldn't even be on the internets right now, but oh well! Sleep isn't happening, and if I'm just sitting here, I focus on how  bad I feel, so instead, I'm just going to write about stuff, and browse 9gag like a boss.

What really draws the eye on this one are the gingerbread nip covers. Yaeh, I just said that. I like the fact that this guy totally made this holiday monstrosity, and he's just like "I do what I want." It's got everything you could want... bells, presents, a tree, beads, a duck dynasty beginner beard, and a Star Trek reference...

Clearly, this guy is number 1.

This sweater is made out of garland... like, wow. It's definitely the very definition of an ugly Christmas sweater, which means it's incredible. I can't even begin to wonder how itchy that thing is. Plus you know he makes that swishy wishy sound when he moves. Seriously though, I think I'm having empathetic discomfort... or it's jut that Pneumonia again. Still, I like a man that shuns his personal comfort in the name of comedy. Well done sir. Well done.

But then there's this guy... who wins for life. You just can't beat a Christmas sweater carved out of your own chest hair. No Shave November? Psh. Merry Chestmas and Happy Hairydays!

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Swingin' Solstice Singles: Knit Together For Life...

Last year, we introduced you to some wonderful singles just waiting to meet their match. This year, we'd like to introduce you to some of our success stories.

Perhaps you remember spunky little Cathy Marie Frankle, our lunch lady lover? Well, let me introduce you to Cathy Marie Frankle-Schmittendorf and her newly minted husband, Abner. After communicating through Knit Together, Abner asked Cathy to be his date to their town's annual Baked Bean Festival. Cathy accepted without hesitation. Six months later, Abner nervously proposed over the P.A. system at Cathy's school. Cathy and Abner share a mutual love of knitted finery, large cast iron bathtubs, and adding to their collection of oil paintings on velvet. 

They were married October 17th, 2012.
"With Abner, it's like every day is Cheesecake Day!" -Cathy

Meet Joe and Nancy Schwetty. Joe is a high school gym teacher. His wife Nancy runs the Etsy Shop, Doodle Dogs, where she sells hand knitted clothing for small, fashion conscious canines. Through Knit Together, they found love. Here is how their story began:

 "I'll admit it, when I first saw Joe, I was unsure. That mustache, those glasses, his personal sense of style, I knew he was out of my league, but I just couldn't help myself. I was certain he'd never respond, but five minutes later, my inbox had 23 messages from him!"

"Oh yeah, I knew Nancy was the one for me the minute I saw her profile picture. You know how sometimes you just know, you know? Boy, I knew! She hit me like a dodge ball to the head! I'd never seen anything so beautiful in all my life. She was wearing a sweater she'd knit from Christmas tinsel and holding our little Sparkles here, and I thought, talent, beauty, and a dog lover! Woo! I was head over heels. Did I send her 23 messages? You better believe I did! I wanted to make sure she knew I was interested. Does that make me crazy? Crazy in love maybe! I couldn't be happier."

Joe and Nancy were married on February 12th, 3 weeks after their first date!

 Allow me to introduce you to Rhoda Dingle and Chester Humpers. Rhoda  and Chester have been dating since December of last year, after meeting through Knit Together. Rhoda works for the CDC studying some of the world's deadliest pathogens, while Chester spends his days writing code for anti-virus software. Chester says his deep love of irony first attracted him to Rhoda. 

"She spends her days cultivating viruses, and I spend mine killing them. Ours is a seemingly impossible love, but here we are."

Chester and Rhoda both enjoy editing Wikipedia articles, maintaining a sizable cooperative ant farm, and finding and correcting spelling errors in "the comments section," of any social media site.

Chester is planning on proposing on 12/12/12! "I thought it would be fitting for the rest of our lives to start with the end of the world."

 Ted and Sandy Meznick have dropped their membership in the Lonely Hearts Club thanks to picking up a membership at Knit Together.

"We haven't been dating that long."

"Ted's right, but I think we both know where this is headed. I will say that at first, I was really skeptical about joining an online dating site, but something about the Knit Together format really appealed to me. I mean, I love to knit. LOVE. IT. (I knitted my entire outfit, Ted's too, right down to the underwear!) It really seemed like the place for me." 

"My brother made me a Knit Together account as a joke, and then posted it to my facebook page. Suffice to say, I was not pleased. I admit it; I punched him in the face...possibly more than once. Anyway, I went to delete the thing, and boom, Sandy pops up as one of my matches. She was real pretty, so I thought, eh, might as well."

"I was thrilled to get Ted's message, and the pink pony Christmas sweater he was wearing was almost as adorable as he was."

"That was from a party."

"From our conversations, I could tell he was new to the knitting world, but I didn't hold that against him. I've been teaching him to knit and crochet. He just loves it!"

"Yeah..loves it. Knitting... awesome."

Next time, we'll introduce you to some of our new members! Maybe one of them is meant for you.


*Welcome to all the new followers! 100! WOW! Thank you! :) To everyone that reads this blog, member or not, I truly appreciate the fact that you take the time out from your day to read this silly thing.*

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Seems A Bit Risque...

In today's world, it seems like sex is everywhere. Why? Because sex sells. Commercials, TV shows, movies, even hamburgers, they all use sex appeal and innuendo to lure the haplessly wanton consumer to empty their wallets in exchange for a little taste of fleeting pleasure. Now, the once pure and innocent world of wool (synthetic was never innocent) is playing trying to market itself with such hedonistic tactics! Just look at the things I found!

chelsea yarns
Fifty Shades of Grey.
Immorally monochromatic!

Playboy Bunny
Shameful hussy!

Magic Mike.

And there's that burger I was talking about earlier! Those buns!

Now here we go! This is what wool was meant to do. This demure, delightful outfit is sure to keep your morals (and virginity) snugly in place.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Seems A Bit Excessive...

Hello! How's everyone feeling? Still a little bloated from the gorgefestapalooza of Thanksgiving? (Non-American friends, we've just had our holiday known as Thanksgiving, a day where we show our gratitude for all we have by eating enough to feed a third world country for a year.We follow this outpouring of thanks with "Black Friday", a day of shopping both rued and revered by merchant and customer alike, a day of ruthless consumerism where it's not uncommon for friends to unapologetically  bludgeon each other over an $8 toaster oven.)


In keeping with this much cherished display of excess, I thought I'd show you a little something... not so little.

"Julia Hopson of Knit Wits, Penzance, Cornwall with the 'Guinness World Record' for knitting with 'the largest knitting needles in the world'." These behemoths are around 12ft tall, or 3.5 meters. What's nice about this ginormous needles is that they'll do for a lance in a pinch, you know, for those impromptu ren faire invites.
 I always wondered how fishing nets were made!

scarf in 3,2,1...
The above Addi Turbos (circular knitting needles) are on display at Paradise Fibers located in Spokane, Washington! They were custom built for Paradise Fibers by metal artist Tim Biggs to Addi specifications all the way down to the nickel-plated tips. They are Size 150, 7 feet tall, and weigh 56 pounds.
Knitting artist Eugenie Perret, participating in an art installation called The Welcome House, Those are size 50mm! These would be so handy for the blanket I've been knitting... since last winter.

Just remember, with great gauges comes great responsibility. Otherwise...

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Game ON!

My gosh. FINALLY something for those days when I really, REALLY just want to dress up like a cracked out Rubix Cube!

Don't go thinking the Rubix Cube has a Monopoly on the game sweater market. Oh no. If you did, do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars! 

Plus, Monopoly sweater offers free parking in the rear.