Friday, November 25, 2011

Let's Mention Unmentionables. Possibly NSFW

This pattern by Joan McGowan-Michael, featured on knitty.com, includes a thong (eek!) and a suspender belt made from wool.WOOL. A thong people. It's a thong made from wool. Now, last time I checked, wool had the tendency to be kind of scratchy, and not the most comfortable fabric for riding between the cheeks... like there's a comfortable fabric for that. I can't really imagine a scenario where a young woman thinks to herself, "what I'd really like is a corset, crochet in cotton candy colors, with stockings! Now I know what to tell Grandma I want for Christmas!"

Rather not go with the whole corset and stockings look? That's cool. You can get your woolen thong in panty format. Plus, it's got a boat on it... and if that's not sexy, I don't know what is. I especially like how there's a lot of extra material in the crotchular area, around the legs. 'Cause everybody likes bunching!

No bunching here of course, just a smooth, inch wide strip of knitting destined to make your worst underwear related nightmares come to life.

OK, fair warning... from this point forward, we're off the map. Here, there be monsters.
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Speaking of monsters... these are from the Etsy seller "Warm Presents" and will set you back $80. Yes, you read that correctly. You'll need to provide your size... though what is meant by that... well, I'll let you noodle that one yourselves. Oh, and you'll find these under the heading "Sexy Shorts." Granted, they're unique, and no one else will probably show up with them at the family gift exchange, but when grandma said "white elephant gift," you should know that's usually not meant literally.

And here is the best of the worst... or the worst of the best... or the most... disturbing. Got a man with a need for warmth in ... er... ah... well. Hmmm. Remember that little penguin cartoon from a long time ago... Chilly Willy? Yeah, that. Anyway, this is a great gift for any male mountain climber, freezer repair man, or Bering sea fisherman.

And from the advertisement itself: "Don't let 'him' freeze!  A warm mitten for your boyfriend.
One size fits all. Not to be used as a condom." Thanks. Anyone that might think it should be used as one shouldn't be reproducing anyway. 

The end... thank goodness.

Oh, and fyi, I'm going to try to keep posting, but well, things are a bit up in the air right now. I lost my job last Thursday, and I don't have internet access very often right now thanks to a busted connection at home. My fridge also died, and I'm trying to figure out some pretty significant health stuff... without insurance now.. Suffice to say, my plate is pretty full at the moment.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Cor Blimey Crochet!

That is a giant ball of yarn, 'normous' yarn as the artist calls it. 

And she's using it to crochet a piece for a gallery show.

The inside of which looks like a cozy cave of Styrofoam packing peanuts.

I won't lie. At first, I thought it was a giant crocheted tampon, but as it turns out, I was quite wrong. It's actually a large, crocheted bacteria.

...And also a cozy cave.


Cor Blimey Crochet! by UK artist, Inga Hamilton. Her crochet is off the hook... quite literally, as she uses her arms to crochet this giant white bacteria. It's what I'd call a true viral video. (Yes, yes, I know the difference, but how could I pass that up?)

And while we're at it, let's look at a few other little creations that are so cute they make me sick!
(Comedy, it's all the timing.)

improbable
Whoever knew Gangrene was so cheerful?

flickr
Well, probably these guys. They look pretty peppy too.

 All Spun Out
And while I don't see an expression of contentment or glee here, that is one finely crafted bacteriophage. Thanks for that, Susan Burkhart!

Monday, November 14, 2011

Movember and No Shave November

Movember and No Shave November... what exactly are they? What do they mean? Is this why all the  men in my life are covered in hair right now and why Aunt Suzan's legs look like Sasquatch's? The answer is yes. Though different, both "holidays" are related. Both Movember and N.S.N hope to raise support and awareness for the various health issues that men face, particularly prostate cancer and other male cancers. The lady folks can show solidarity by tossing the razor and letting the legs and pits go au natural.

But what do you do if you aren't naturally endowed with a beard that makes men want to be you and women want to be with you? How can you show your support without letting your pits look like you've got Buckwheat in a headlock, or having legs that do an uncanny imitation of fur covered trousers? First of all, you can donate to cancer research, secondly, you can grab one of these awesome crochet beardfaces! (A perfect companion to the Crostache from a few posts ago.)

Taraduff of Etsy brings you the best in crochet apparel for the facial region. 

  These beardfaces come with the added bonus of a toboggan or beanie or hat or whatever your region/country calls it. Perfect for the chilly month of November... at least for us folks in the Northern Hemisphere. But what if you want a little more style than the classic hat and beard combo? Well...

 Try the Eric The Red model! You can show support for finding a cure, and plunder and pillage with the best of the viking hordes. 

"But what about the babies?" You might ask. No worries! Beardfaces come in sizes for the tiniest cancer conquerors. Jr. can show his support for Dad, Uncle, Grandpa or any loved one battling this disease. Who wouldn't feel encouraged seeing this toddle into a room?

Er... I don't think this one's as encouraging.

Moving on, moving on... mythical heroes want in on Movember as well, and why not? Epic beard time is all over the silver screen. Would Gimli the Dwarf support finding a cure? You know he would. He might even team up with an elf to do so. 

Even pirates won't aaaaargue that supporting cancer research is a worthy cause. Have you ever seen a clean shaven pirate? Me either! I'm sure even Jack Sparrow himself would give up a coin or two to help find a cure. Granted, any pirate doubloons donated will probably have been looted from some other worthy cause, but beggaaaaars can't be choosers. (This is the time where I desperately resist making a joke about getting checked for prostate cancer and incorporating "booty" and/or "poop deck." Aye, I be the age a' 12 in perpetuity.)

And what do you do after Movember/N.S.N have passed, well, you can follow ol' St. Nick's philosophy and carry your beardface on over to "Don't Shave December." Want your own No Shave Nick? Click for the linkage for the pattern.

Happy Movember!

(Oh, and pointless FYI... the ad for Hotel Max in Seattle... anyone looking to stay there, let me just say that place is wicked cool.)

Friday, November 11, 2011

Veteran's Day

11/11/11 is Veteran's Day here in The States. If you're unfamiliar with the holiday, it's a day where we honor and thank those brave men and women in our military who have faithfully served the country. (Other parts of the world recognize it as Armistice Day or Remembrance Day.)

And what sweeter way to say thank you to a vet than with an afghan for Afghanistan. Louise Shewokis knit this patriotic afghan for her nephew-in-law Timothy Shea, who had served tours in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Korea.

 THIS is how 'Mericans get the knittin' done! YEAH! Dave Cole, an American artist created this large scale knitting project using 20ft knitting needles and industrial machinery to create this monumental flag. 

( Acrylic felt with excavators and aluminum utility poles. Completed flag is approximately 30 x 20 x 1 feet as installed at MASS MoCA, North Adams, MA)

Now that's knitting with more power, and a flag sure to inspire!

I know this is a short post, and it's because I've got a lot going on today, but I wanted to show a little patriotism, and say thanks to all the brave men and women who have so faithfully served our country in all branches of the military. May we treat you with the same respect and admiration everyday that we do on this day. THANK YOU, and HAPPY VETERAN'S DAY!



Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Gobble Them Up!

You're getting a post about turkeys today. Yes, it is because it's the Thanksgiving season here in the states. It's also because I'm starving, and I can smell the food that someone is heating up down the hall. I kept trying to think "ugly sweaters," "pilgrim dog costumes" or "disturbingly short manpants," but all I could muster was "Thanksgiving dinner...mmmmwaaaa..." (just imagine Homer Simpson there.) So here you go. Turkeys. Delicious, delicious turkeys. Although, I think the birds on this page might prove to be a little dry and stringy. 

A knitting turkey... there are things in this world you never think you'll find, and yet, there they are. 

A feast sure to disappoint! Oh, don't get me wrong, it's nicely done, but stuffing made from cotton batting just pales in comparison to that made of cornbread.

This is... kind of bothersome. It's like a butcher's window, but not... because butcher shops don't really have that slight serial killer vibe that I'm picking up here. Also, "the table is set in due time," seems kind of creepy. You know, kind of "it puts the lotion on its skin..."  I mean, sure, fake raw poultry hanging from the ceiling doesn't necessarily mean that you're crafting a rage filled manifesto against the poultry industry or plotting the downfall of Butterball, but I'm guessing that if this is everyday decor, the neighbors will get their say on the nightly news eventually.  

"He always kept to himself." 
"He was a pretty quiet guy... kind of a loner."
"Say they found fifty turkeys stuffed in his freezer, boxes of dressing strewn all over the place, gravy in the bathtub. Was screaming like a loon when they brought him out 'Save the neck for me, Clark! Save the neck for me'! Yep, you never think it'll happen in your town."

"Ma, I think the bird's gone bad. Unless of course you picked up a peacock this year instead of the usual fare."

 Chicken fingers, meet turkey fingers. 

The pigs don't stand a chance! Seriously, Angry Birds anyone? I'd love to see what a powerhouse this little butterball might be. I like to think his special ability might be something like dropping dressing bombs or like leftovers, he shows up again after you've run out of birds to take care of that one stupid pig that just. keeps. mocking. you.

 We've seen this lady before, and wow... she's kicked it up a notch. I believe her platter is the offering I featured last Thanksgiving. Sadly, I'm too lazy to click the link and make sure. In any case, it's a new shot, and one of these is new, and yeah, there still just as weird. I will say that I bet she's warm.

And here's Jr. He's obviously not as excited about his themed headgear as mom is. Of course, the daily swirly at school has a tendency to curb his enthusiasm.

"Save the neck for me, Clark."

Monday, November 7, 2011

Skein Deep

How do you know when you've crossed the line from casual hobbyist to hardcore knittermeister? You start playing with a different kind of needle. That's right, the ultimate mark of a true threadhead runs skin deep. Literally. Now, people get tattoos for a multitude of reasons, but it's usually to commemorate something you love, and some people love knitting... a lot. 

          Baby Goth Knits
And hardcore they are. We aren't talking sweet little kitties tangled in string. No, we're talking about fierce mantras emblazoned forever, unapologetically proclaiming statements such as  "Knit until Death" "Knit Happens," and "Knit fast, Die Warm." The motifs too, throw aside the notions of sweet, grey haired grannies and cat hording spinsters. This crowd appreciates a beautifully designed Mexican sugar skull stabbed through the yarn brain with a wicked pair of scissors.  

Sugar Skull knitting tattoo, designed and tattooed by Traci Wilson of Enchanted Arts in Guisborough, Cleveland. Done May 2009.

This tatted up crafter shows a bit of local love. This mitten between Pam's shoulder blades harkens back to her hometown, Flint Michigan, where folks have a tradition of getting Flint related tats. The little heart near the thumb, that's the location of Flint on the Michigan map. Notice, like anything I'm sure Pam makes, even the tat (done by friend Ryan,) has excellent stitching! 

If you're havin' purl problems, I feel bad for you son. I got 99 problems, but a stitch ain't one. 

Sure does. Keep on stitchin'!

And leave a good looking corpse... wrapped in an heirloom quality blanket you knit yourself.

Here's a really gorgeous, artistic piece. Look at the detail in the yarn making up the skull! It's really done wonderfully, and the consistency in the lines is astounding! Also, how beautiful are those sacred heart needles? The color combo makes me think of a garden.

I can dig it. "Crafty"? You bet your buttons it is. Great colors, slick skills with the lines, and an expertly executed metallic sheen on the scissors and hook. I like that there's obviously some crocheting going on here, but just the statement "crafty" makes it extra cool. It's just a general "yeah, I'm awesome at making stuff. I know it," kind of tag.

Here's a spectacular crochet circle. I love the variegated shades of green, especially that bright acid color! It seems almost Celt like, intricately knotted as it is. 

This is wicked cool, and that purple is to die for! I want some yarn that color. I hope it's not a skin exclusive. Seriously, how fine and delicate is that shading, not to mention that line work. The shape, the colors, the lines... it's perfection. 

 It takes a lot of chuztpah to commit to a tattoo, even more for a large one, more still for a chest piece, and if you're a lady well, you've got some real cajones. This is a pretty spectacular piece. The old time sewing machine is amazing and the detail in all of the accoutrements are beastly. The shine on that thread, niiiiiice. I'm cringing a little though, I imagine that really, really hurt going across the collar bone!

How about a little cross stitching as well? You can't deny that's a pretty B.A. rose. It's really skillfully done. Sure, it could be a pixel rose, but hey, cross stitching is the original pixelation.

And finally, because I've forced, FORCED myself to stop posting pics, we've got this whimsical tat. Craftster user kellyhelene chose a classic icon for all things handmade. If you don't own one of these little tomatoes, you can bet your mom or grandmother did.

There are a lot more really awesome knitting/crocheting/crafting tats out there, this barely scratches the surface. Pun intended? You know it.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

A PERSONAL TRIUMPH!!!

For years, I've wanted to know how to knit. I've asked relatives to show me. I've tried winging it. I've bought instructional books, which left me frustrated and confused because of pictures and explanations like this:

You might as well be showing me how to build a dinosaur from scratch. Yeah, exactly.

 Well, today, after years of attempting to learn to knit and getting results like this...

and this...

and sometimes this...

and suffering in frustration like this, I was on the verge of pronouncing it witchcraft and throwing my needles out the window... when all of a sudden, something happened. I got past row one... and then, row two... and then...

  FINALLY!
I know it's not much, just a little thin strip of knitting, but I feel like I've just climbed my personal crafting Everest. Not to toot my own horn, but usually, various arts and crafts come easily to me. However, knitting has always been an insurmountable task! I'm so excited to start making some stuff. I've still got tons to figure out, and I'm totally afraid of purling and joining stuff together, and all that, but I'll dream big. Really big. Maybe for my next project, I'll attempt this...

Because a scarf can never be too ginormous, right?

To what do I owe my success? Well, I think I have to give credit where it's due, and thanks to this video from Threadbanger, this is no longer impossible for me:


Homemade scarf, you WILL be mine!