Friday, November 25, 2011

Let's Mention Unmentionables. Possibly NSFW

This pattern by Joan McGowan-Michael, featured on knitty.com, includes a thong (eek!) and a suspender belt made from wool.WOOL. A thong people. It's a thong made from wool. Now, last time I checked, wool had the tendency to be kind of scratchy, and not the most comfortable fabric for riding between the cheeks... like there's a comfortable fabric for that. I can't really imagine a scenario where a young woman thinks to herself, "what I'd really like is a corset, crochet in cotton candy colors, with stockings! Now I know what to tell Grandma I want for Christmas!"

Rather not go with the whole corset and stockings look? That's cool. You can get your woolen thong in panty format. Plus, it's got a boat on it... and if that's not sexy, I don't know what is. I especially like how there's a lot of extra material in the crotchular area, around the legs. 'Cause everybody likes bunching!

No bunching here of course, just a smooth, inch wide strip of knitting destined to make your worst underwear related nightmares come to life.

OK, fair warning... from this point forward, we're off the map. Here, there be monsters.
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Speaking of monsters... these are from the Etsy seller "Warm Presents" and will set you back $80. Yes, you read that correctly. You'll need to provide your size... though what is meant by that... well, I'll let you noodle that one yourselves. Oh, and you'll find these under the heading "Sexy Shorts." Granted, they're unique, and no one else will probably show up with them at the family gift exchange, but when grandma said "white elephant gift," you should know that's usually not meant literally.

And here is the best of the worst... or the worst of the best... or the most... disturbing. Got a man with a need for warmth in ... er... ah... well. Hmmm. Remember that little penguin cartoon from a long time ago... Chilly Willy? Yeah, that. Anyway, this is a great gift for any male mountain climber, freezer repair man, or Bering sea fisherman.

And from the advertisement itself: "Don't let 'him' freeze!  A warm mitten for your boyfriend.
One size fits all. Not to be used as a condom." Thanks. Anyone that might think it should be used as one shouldn't be reproducing anyway. 

The end... thank goodness.

Oh, and fyi, I'm going to try to keep posting, but well, things are a bit up in the air right now. I lost my job last Thursday, and I don't have internet access very often right now thanks to a busted connection at home. My fridge also died, and I'm trying to figure out some pretty significant health stuff... without insurance now.. Suffice to say, my plate is pretty full at the moment.

2 comments:

Eve said...

Now now 'betty,' which is the first design mentioned, is knit in cotton not wool ;)

Elizabeth Douglas said...

Ah! Eve, thanks for the clarification! As we all know, cotton butt floss is MUCH more comfy than wool! ;) lol!