Saturday, February 18, 2012

30 Rock: Bikini Sunrise

"I finished knitting that swimmin' costume for Ms. Jenna like Ms. Lemon asked, but I really don't think she ought to wear it on the television. Mawmaw Parcell used to say only two kinds of women wore string...bikinis...Marilyn Monroe and the 'good time girls' that drank and smoked out behind the school house, and she did NOT approve of Marilyn Monroe!"

"Mister Jordan, do you believe everyone has a calling in life? Somethin' they're ...well, born... to do?"

"Yes, Kenneth, I do. People all around us were born to do things. Look at Jack. He was born to run whatever company this is, or Liz, the way she makes awkward moments even more uncomfortable. It's like a gift, Kenneth! A terrible gift. Why, do you ask, young white man?"

"Well Mister Jordan, I think maybe I was born to knit. I know making that harlot suit was a sin, but from now on, Kenneth Ellen Parcell will only use these nimble fingers for good!"

"...And no, I didn't knit this; Kenneth did. That, or he murdered and skinned a Muppet. You've got to get a handle on the yokel, Lemon."

"JACK! LIZ LEMON! Did you see this sweater Kenneth knitted for me? I could be the next black Bill Cosby! All I need is a box of Jello Pudding Pops and some kids that I can dispense my fatherly wisdom to! Grizz, Dot Com, come here and let me guide you into manhood!"


the times tribune
"Liz, I think we ought to support Kenneth's talent... especially when his talent showcases my own! Of course you know I was the spokeswoman for the 2010 Wool Bowl. Well, I'm in negotiations with Crochetapalooza right now to be their headliner."

"Crochetapa....wha? Jenna, how is Kenneth's... 'talent' supposed to help you?"

"Oh Liz, don't you see? I'll be wearing a 'KEP' original! Introducing a designer to the fashion world is a really big deal, and as his muse-"

"I really don't think you're his mu-"

"Listen Liz, I know seeing me shine is difficult for you because you got one of the homely talents, like writing, but just think about all the good you do for people like me... to help people like you feel better about not being people like me. Kenneth and I owe it to the world to be dazzling... especially me."

yarn store blog
"Lemon, it's Jack. I'm down on Wall Street... things aren't good."

"Occupiers?"

"I think Kenneth got out of the studio."

disapoint sad liz lemon disappoint disapoint sad liz lemon disappoint
"You chinless little peach eater! So help me, I'm going to pack you and your bright-eyed optimism straight back to Bumpkin's Holler!"
"Jack, it's Liz. I found Kenneth in Central Park, knitting a cozy for a police horse. He took a pretty hard kick to the face, but he seems...mostly alright. Apparently, it brought back fond memories of playing pin-the- tail on the donkey back in Stone Mountain..."

"Real Donkey?"

"I think that was implied, Jack. Anyway, thanks to some convenient brain damage, he's completely forgotten how to knit... that and he keeps calling me Mr. Estrada. Oh, and I've also instituted a new policy around the office regarding handicraft."

"Well done, Lemon. By the way, have you been watching the news? Why is Tracy in California?"

"I'M A JEDI! WATCH ME AMERICA! THE EMPIRE STRIKES BLACK!"

"Tracy! WHAT THE WHAT!?"

Monday, February 13, 2012

Dear Rajesh Koothrappali, Be My Big Bang Valentine...

Raj, you may be incapable of talking to beautiful women, but you're highly talented when it comes to wearing sextastic sweaters. Not an episode goes by where I don't admire your daring sense of fashion. The way you toss aside the conventional, often douche-baggish wardrobe of today's young, single men is...impressive. Most impressive. You're a maverick, Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali, to take your cues from the likes of Mr. Rogers, and oh so fittingly, Mr. Wizard.

Be still my heart... and my retinas! Those colors and patterns might be seizure inducing, but Raj, you wear them so well. Very few men could pull off an outfit of such competing colors and stripes, but I think you pull it off... or you should! ... Pull it off that is, as in remove it from their person!

BAZINGA! 

All Bazinging aside, how can you not love this man? He's as sweet and innocent as a soft kitty. Yet, he's as  fiery and intense as a Supernova. (I know you like that analogy, Raj. I'm using science to seduce you... instead of my usual awkwardness.)

Howard, I love you, and nice job on the attempt, but you're the poor man's Rajesh in that bland and understated turtlenecked ensemble. Once again, my Bollywood Badboy shines in diamonds... perfectly knitted diamonds.

HYKN
Even Lego wants in on this hot sweater madness.

 tremyror
Raj, I'm as confused as you are. Seriously, of all my lovable TBBT (palindrome!) geeks, how does this one not have a steady girlfriend ? HOW I ASK YOU? HOW?

The Blasian Narrative
HOW?
I'm star struck! He's just so physically attractive.
(Get it? GET IT? ...'Cause he's an astrophysicist...which makes that really clever and not lame at all. )

and now for something completely different...

tumbler
Happy Valentine's Day to all! ...Be you geek, dweeb, or spazz, may you spend the day with someone you love, or... if that's just not an option, may you find that totally mint, ultra-rare, NRFP collectable you've been searching for... for like forever, and look, it's like they don't even know what they've got! It's worth at least twice what they're asking!

Saturday, February 11, 2012

STAR WARS

 NOT SO LONG AGO ON A BLOG NOT SO FAR AWAY...

Welcome to The Ugly Sweater. My name is Elizabeth, and I love Star Wars. I'm not ashamed,, and I'm not seeking help. I'd be more likely to seek a convention. I'm proud of my affection for a galaxy far, far away. Darth,Obi-Wan,Yoda, Luke, Leia, Han Solo... 

 mmm... Han Solo...
er, wha? Got distracted there for a minute. Oh... right, yeah not the time. Move along, move along...

Pinterest
*waves hand*  "These are not the droids the looking for. You don't need to see his identification." Yeah... you don't need to see his identification. You can rest assured he's a card carrying member of the 501st. 
A man that wears a droid on his chest keeps his love for all things Star Wars close to his heart... literally.

wonder land blog
Of course, a man that wears a droid on his...er, unmentionables, probably keeps his love for Star Wars somewhere other than his heart.

Or, in the words of R2D2 "Beep, beep, beep, whirl, WEEEEEE OOOOOOO! ...Beep!"

How to carve roast unicorn
Ah younglings... they're so adorable before they turn to the Dark Side and start killing everyone. Fresh off a pod race, young Anakin here settles in for quiet evening of droid building and slavery in his favorite sweater of indeterminate trilogy.

Once again, everyone's favorite R2 unit comes along for the fun!

 mtv geek
Of course, not everyone's a fan of droids, or Han Solo for that matter... UNLESS HE'S FROZEN IN CARBONITE!
If that's the case, then this crochetted Boba Fett helmet is perfect for you!

mtv geek
Or perhaps you prefer your Star Wars related mayhem to be somewhat more primitive and nondiscriminatory in target, then you can do no better than this classic Tusken Raider.

crafty crafty
"An elegant weapon for a more civilized time." ...A Jedi's lightsaber is like a part of their being, an extension of their own connection to the force... each one unique, each one a reflection of its creator. A reflection of its creator... which would lead one to believe she's rather warm and fuzzy. However, that face she's sporting is straight up "A New Hope" Leia, the kind that says, "back off flyboy! I've got a soft, cuddly lightsaber, and I'm not afraid to use it!"  Granted, it is excellently crafted, and I'm sure the knitter's midi-chlorian count is through the roof, but unless you're sparring Darth Nerf, I don't think it's going to do you much good against a Sith Lord.

 twenty two words
D'aaaaaw! There's nothing more precious than the smiling, plushie faces of our favorite Star Wars characters. Look at that Ewok! Look at that Yoda! Look at that Wookie... DO YOU EVEN SEE THAT WOOKIE AND HOW ADORABLE HE IS? DO YOU? I bet there's a set of these in the Jedi Academy... just you know, keep an eye on the kid that gravitates to Vader.

oh yes I knit
Yoda, you seek Yoda! Thankfully, I've found him. A man who knits... knit this life-sized, pint-sized Jedi. I think we can all agree, the force is strong in this one. Yoda's still in progress here, obviously, since his feet are missing, but how totally force is this?! I've got great respect for anyone who can knit such an accurate depiction of that wizened visage.


"Luminous beings we are, not this crude material"
(Granted, Yoda was speaking of flesh vs force, but I think it can apply equally to a nicely worsted yarn.)


oh yes I knit


oh yes I knit

 hooked on books
Knit one, purl a small thermal exhaust port right below the main port...


Zazzle
 "Impressive. Most impressive."

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Groundhog Day, All Over Again...


Today was Groundhog Day... a day when we Americans, so attuned to our modern world, so dependent on our iPhones, tablets, laptops, GPS units, and every other technological device found under the sun, turn to a large, skittish rodent to forecast the future our weather pattern for the next six weeks.

Seems legit. 

According to Punxsutawney Phil, the most famous of all the meteorologically inclined critters, six more weeks of winter are to befall us, and only the foolishly un-superstitious have stored away the winter coats and ice scrapers. Of course, if you live where I do, "six more weeks of winter," = "hey look, six weeks of winter!"

And now for your obligatory Bill Murray, Groundhog day joke:



Today was Groundhog Day... a day when we Americans, so attuned to our modern world, so dependent on our iPhones, tablets, laptops, GPS units, and every other technological device found under the sun, turn to a large, skittish rodent to forecast the future our weather pattern for the next six weeks.

Seems legit. 

According to Punxsutawney Phil, the most famous of all the meteorologically inclined critters, six more weeks of winter are to befall us, and only the foolishly un-superstitious have stored away the winter coats and ice scrapers. Of course, if you live where I do, "six more weeks of winter," = "hey look, six weeks of winter!"

And now for your obligatory Bill Murray, Groundhog day joke:





Today was Groundhog Day... a day when we Americans, so attuned to our modern world, so dependent on our iPhones, tablets, laptops, GPS units, and every other technological device found under the sun, turn to a large, skittish rodent to forecast the future our weather pattern for the next six weeks.

Seems legit. 

According to Punxsutawney Phil, the most famous of all the meteorologically inclined critters, six more weeks of winter are to befall us, and only the foolishly un-superstitious have stored away the winter coats and ice scrapers. Of course, if you live where I do, "six more weeks of winter," = "hey look, six weeks of winter!"

And now for your obligatory Bill Murray, Groundhog day joke:





Today was Groundhog Day... a day when we Americans, so attuned to our modern world, so dependent on our iPhones, tablets, laptops, GPS units, and every other technological device found under the sun, turn to a large, skittish rodent to forecast the future our weather pattern for the next six weeks.

Seems legit. 

According to Punxsutawney Phil, the most famous of all the meteorologically inclined critters, six more weeks of winter are to befall us, and only the foolishly un-superstitious have stored away the winter coats and ice scrapers. Of course, if you live where I do, "six more weeks of winter," = "hey look, six weeks of winter!"

And now for your obligatory Bill Murray, Groundhog day joke:




IT'S A JOKE! SEE? BECAUSE OF THE MOVIE, AND THAT THING THEY DID WHERE EVERYTHING HAPPENED OVER AND OVER AGAIN... WITH THAT GIRL..WAS THAT ANDI MCDOWELL? OH, AND THAT KID IN THE TREE, AND THE GROUNDHOG... HEY, REMEMBER WHEN HE PUT THE TOASTER IN THE BATHTUB? NO, NOT THE GROUNDHOG! BILL MURRAY! DUH! YOU KNOW? THAT WAS A GREAT MOVIE... BILL MURRAY'S HILARIOUS. EVER SEE WHAT ABOUT BOB? YOU SHOULD. IT'S GREAT TOO, AND ZOMBIELAND, THAT'S CLASSIC MURRAY RIGHT THERE... BUT...YEAH, BECAUSE... OF THAT. ...Yeah.