Monday, October 24, 2011

Zombies... They're Crap at Knitting.

This is true. They just don't have the fine motor skills required for such delicate movements. They're still awesome at eating your face off though, so you might want to watch out for that.

The sad thing is, they actually love to knit. Well, they like trying. It's a little known zombie fact, but a fresh skein of yarn and a new pair of knitting needles are almost as effective at rendering a zombie a non-threat as a point-blank shotgun blast to the head. Almost. It's one of the reasons they always seem so angry and frustrated. It's not really the maddening lust for human brains or their cravings for the sweet, sweet flesh of the innocent, no it's the fact that casting on is really, really difficult when your fingers keep rotting off. 

Every once in a while, one of the fresher zombs will manage to make something that doesn't totally suck. The undead do like a well crafted pair of colorful socks.

There was one recorded case of highly skilled knitter that fell victim to one of the shambling zombie hordes that plague America's small, unsuspecting townships. She was a member of a traveling, west coast artist collective who made their livings selling patchouli and handicrafts. In an unfortunate (and highly ironic) run-in with a pack of literal corporate zombies, all members of the collective were eaten or turned. "Cakeyvoice" the aforementioned skilled crafter, was bitten during the corporate take down but not consumed. Eyewitness accounts say that her last human act was to grab her needles and yarn basket, crying out in terror as the zombie virus overtook her. When she awoke however, it was apparent that her love of knitting was still stronger than her new found desire for brains, and being that her fingers were still dexterous and rigor free, she knitted this amazing tableau, apparently, her memory of the attack. Many people, though ill advised, gathered to watch the crafting zombie work, in awe of her tireless will to create. As she finished the scene, the crowd erupted in applause, and then panic as she quickly attacked and ate three eye witnesses.

Again, this beautiful example of zombie craft is extremely rare. Usually, the results are as follows:

As we've seen, at first, the zombie's attempt at knitting something might almost be classified as successful, such as is the case with this cardigan. Unfortunately, she kept biting holes in the yarn.

Laura Mappin
Of course, zombies often knit the things they most crave, fresh, tasty organs. These simple, gory tubes, these intestines and colons were collected at the Etsy headquarters, after the neutralization of the undead staff, following a massive outbreak of the zombie virus. At this point, the zombie still recognizes color, texture, makes an effort at what he's doing. These would have been proudly sold on the well know craft site. Sadly, it won't happen, as we regretsy to inform you that there were no survivors.

Quickly though, their brain function decreases, color, pattern, and fashion no longer make sense, and terrible things like this begin to happen.

...And this. This is the point when you realize the zombie brain is truly putrefied. At this point, the clacking of the needles is a mindless reflex as he searches for the living,


Alethea Ballard said...

I love this funny post. Thank you for alerting me to the perils of zombiehood with regards to my knitting. I love the tableau!

Elizabeth Douglas said...

Thanks for the comment! I'm glad you enjoyed it. :) Yes, constant vigilance is definitely the right call when knitting. You never know when zombies will appear! lol!