Thursday, October 20, 2011

Ski Masks... Never A Good Thing.

Ski Masks. What can you say about them? They're the accessory of choice for the well seasoned bank robber, terrorist, and creepy perv. Whenever somebody shows up in a ski mask, the immediate thought isn't "what a clever and effective way to stay warm." It's always "I hope this guy doesn't kill us."

If you're familiar with the Batman franchise, then you're already acquainted with the greasepaint face up there. That's right, it's the joker... the Heath Ledger joker... the "some men just want to see the world burn" joker. And this joker, well, he's no laughing matter. He'll blow up hospitals, kill innocent girlfriends, and steal your car... just because he can. If you see someone roll up in one of these, get ready for a good time... and by "good time," I mean pray SEAL TEAM 6 gets there before the slaughter starts.

I no longer want to catch them all. Let's compare...

One of these brings happiness and laughter to children through adorable, animated violence, and collectible merchandise. The other one, well... it brings to mind offers of candy and an unmarked van.

"Short row a chin, unravel a mouth, and double-decrease a nose." I'm sure these are knitting terms... or terms related to yarn in some way. They also sound like serial killer shorthand. But, maybe that's just because the picture itself is so freakin' weird! What kind of whackadoo family does this? AND THE PIE? WHY IS IT THERE? What really gets me is that this is from a legit magazine. Someone in publishing actually thought this was a good idea. Snow fooling! What makes it better though is that instead of ending up in lost in the obscurity of its own era, doomed to never freak anyone out again, it ended up in the hands of April, at Regretsy.

Get ready.

Not familiar with Regretsy? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Er... I mean... you should probably head on over there, peruse it for a while. Basically, it's a collection of  the most awful/hilarious/disturbing items ever offered on Etsy. Not familiar with Etsy? I don't think we can hang out anymore. 

Aaaaanyway, what ended up happening was a recreation of the weirdness from the original picture, but even more so. As it turns out, tons of people started making these ski masks for photo hilarity, but then, what do you do with a bunch of terrifying face sweaters? Well, in the case of Regretsy, you use them to be awesome by helping out a little boy with Leukemia.

Mom's secret life as a Luchador is discovered.

I have a feeling this guy hangs out with Pikachu mask on a regular basis. There's something about that cigarette hole in the mouth that just makes him extra trustworthy, isn't there? Kind of like how the slutty looking CD cover back there adds to the "parental guidance suggested" feeling of this whole set up. Again, kids, stay away from the van. You don't want the candy he's offering.

So yeah, ski masks. With the rare exception of their creepiness being put to good use through Regretsy, they're harbingers of doom. Well, occasionally they're harbingers of Mexican wrestling, but usually, just doom.

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