Friday, October 28, 2011

Good Old Fashioned Ugly Sweaters. The Halloween Edition.

Let's get back to the basics. Sweaters. Ugly ones. Like this one. This is from a dating site, from a section called "what not to wear on the first date." Yeah, that's good advice, better advice: Never wear this on any date. Ever. Never ever, ever, ever. And while we're at it, stop making that face... and don't pose like that. And... I'm just gonna move along...

Hmmm... gotta love that slightly dingy look of the white background, it really gives an authentic feeling to the abandoned, old ghost house on the front.  Before it was "rescued" and set up to be sold on the interwebz, it was probably languishing away on a thrift store hanger, just waiting for that one precious Lee-Press-On-Nail bedazzled hand that would pluck it from obscurity and give it a new life of attending PTA meetings, Bunko nights, and rummage sales to its heart's content. 

This sweater. I just know it's got some name like "A Beary Happy Halloween!" or something else equally cringe inducing. I can tell by looking at it that this is one of those "tapestry" style sweaters that aren't soft, weigh roughly 10-15lbs, and are as thick as a down comforter... and yet, the wind cuts through them like a bullet through a Kleenex. 

Yowza! That is one busy knit. It's got all the elements of Halloween in one convenient cardigan. Bats, candy corn, spiderwebs, (nice prison placement) ghosts, Jack-o-Lanterns, Green... monster... teeth?, and of course, black cats. It's festive, it's frightful, it goes great with mom jeans!

You can purchase this top quality "pre-owned" sweater for only $50.00 Unlike the previous offering of over the top holiday havoc, this piece settles for a single subject, the oft maligned black cat. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to their cajoling, and there's nothing else that even hints at Halloween, but what else do you need really? Pumpkins? Passe. Witches? Too cliche. Spiderwebs? How gauche can you be? Instead, off that nonsense, we have simplicity and grace. All placed on a stark white background, alien eyed felines with gold braiding running along their undersides and "heavy beading" make for the perfect Halloween ensemble.  Who needs themes and reference? Not you.

Even high fashion wears ugly sweaters. Actually, most high fashion just involves ugly. I want to talk about the sweater, but I keep being distracted by the Cruella de Vils strutting it behind Captain Jawline. He is wearing a skirt, right? I'm just making sure. With the stark, puritanical coloring of his outfit, his austere expression, and obvious love of the dark arts, he's kind of like a blond, transgendered Wednesday Addams. Oh, and that sweater is terrible.

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