Monday, December 8, 2008

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

...everywhere you go, you see the signs of the season. The spirit of glad tidings fills the air and the longing of the warmth of hearth and home awakens every heart. In some way, we desire to show our fellow man our wishes for peace on earth and good will to all..but...how?

I believe I've found the answer.

It's in the bedazzled beauty of the Christmas Sweater. An ordinary tacky sweater is a great conversation piece, fun at a party, but there's something special about those gaudy, gem encrusted Christmas sweaters...I think there's a little bit of magic in those threads.


Image courtesy of photobucket. (Classic Christmas Sweater)

Here's one I find truly full of Christmas wonder. See Santa on the right sleeve? Now I'm sure knitting a human face into a sweater is a difficult thing, however, I can't help but feel that Santa might not be looking to bring me Christmas cheer as much as he's looking to mutilate my cattle and introduce me to the probe-o-tron 5000. On the left sleeve we see where he has already abducted two hapless figures..one apparently a member of the 80's band "Devo," and trapped them in some cruel Christmas Rubik's cube. You can tell the figure of the...er...little...girl? in the middle of the sweater is terrified that Close Encounters Santa might slide down her chimney next. Also, what kind of house does she live in anyway? Where are her parents? Already "taken"? What is that trench in the floor under the Christmas tree? (Those are some strong branches!) Or maybe I've got it all wrong...maybe it's some kind of festive spaceship launchpad and not a house at all...she does bear a bit of a resemblance to Jolly Old St. Nicholas over there. Oh well, if not, at least the polka-dot wallpaper is attractive. Remember kids, you'd better watch out, you'd better not cry, you'd better not pout, I'm telling you why the invasion is coming! It's the end of the world as we know it!
"Santa Claus" is coming to town...

Image by Amanda Frederick. (Classy Cardigan Christmas Sweater)

Nothing says Noel quite like flamingos, that blue, polyester knit with buttons up to the neck...flattering, the special jazzy pizazz of sequins AND feathers, pure class. I'm glad they went with basic black for the feathered collar...a bright pink to match the flamingos would have just been too much...and we all know, Christmas sweaters are about subtlety. I think the attitude this conveys was best said by Jenny: "So, are you trying to make sure men COMPLETELY avoid you at the Christmas shindig, or are you just going to another Christmas mixer at Granny's retirement community?" Of course Carrie,
ever the font of witty observation noted, "I also like the imaginary 'hand on hip' pose the sweater is in, like 'how dare you criticize my sparkles'!" How dare I indeed.


Image from photobucket. (Classic Christmas Sweater)

Those...those eyes, those cold, dead eyes! Maybe he looks so lifeless and despondent because he's been speared through the muzzle by that gigantic candy cane, or maybe it's because his owners make him wear that Santa hat. Either way, that pup's got a bone to pick (see what I did there? heheheh) with whoever put him on this monstrosity. Anyway, I like how the sides of the sweater flair out to accommodate all that new holiday poundage...but at least the horizontal stripes on the sleeves will make you look...so good.


Image from photobucket. (Classy Cardigan Christmas Sweater)

Immaculate! Sparkles? check, pompoms? check, glittery yarn? check, awkward knit rendering of Santa? check! Not only that...and I can hardly contain my excitement with this...there are actually CHRISTMAS SWEATERS ON A CHRISTMAS SWEATER! It's like someone finally got the memo! What more could a Christmas sweater ever ask for than for another Christmas sweater to be stitched right on it!? Even Santa can't resist getting in on the action! He's ditched that tired red suit for a sparkly new pastel number that says "Merry Christmas girlfriend! I am fierce and fabulous!"

Until later, Feliz Navidad!

1 comment:

Eric said...

I think these sweaters may be the worst I've ever seen. The flamingos in Santa outfits is great.